Her Name
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: "A dull life. Too expected. Boring, just like her personality. Since her earliest years, people had seen her like this. Only a few ones had got to know who she really was but like these shameful secrets people bury within themselves, none of them had yet revealed anything." - Behind a smile, a thousand lies. Who was really Maura Isles? J/M fic.
1. Olga

**Her Name**

**Chapter one – Olga**

_Her name was Olga. She had long blond hair that smelled of cherry and a scar – almost invisible – just behind her right ear. I never got to know what had happened – how she had got it – but I remember our nights when we used to cuddle together and I would stare at it, somehow fascinated._

_She had four brothers – tall, intrepid – who used to reign in masters over the neighborhood even if they had moved in last; at the end of our street. If they were all born in America, they had caught the same accent – an Eastern European one – as their parents who came from Croatia. The mother was shy and barely spoke English. The father was rather discreet._

_She had taken my hand on a bright summer day while the sun was embracing our skin in a comforting torpor and the asphalt was so hot that we spent hours in the shadows of an old oak tree. _

"_Come with me."_

_We had walked for a while passing empty streets before going down to the river by the wooden bridge. The vapors of the running water cooled the air and I shivered silently. I never asked where we were going to. For whatever reason, I had trusted her since the very beginning. Almost blindly. She stopped by a weeping-willow and took me there, behind the heavy curtain of green leaves._

_We sat there and didn't move for a while, didn't speak. Just listening to the water running down a few feet away and the quiet murmur of the main street traffic. _

_And during all that time, she didn't let go of my hand. She was holding it tightly; firmly. The heat of her skin embracing mine reassuringly. _

_She kissed my cheek. Without any warning. Surprised and somehow mesmerized, I turned around to face her and against all expectations, I smiled. My heart was beating fast in my chest. I could feel its loud rhythm against the cotton of my summer dress and the way it made me shake uncontrollably. _

_Then she captured my lips in a stolen, innocent kiss. _

_We were six years old. It probably lasted a couple of seconds only and yet... I have never forgotten about it._

…

She loved routines. Always the same gestures, the same journeys. There was something comforting about it that rocked her peacefully, like the lullabies she would have loved listening to as a child.

Always the same people.

_Always the same lies_.

_Take a deep breath, Maura. And smile._

But as much as she had a thing for well-known environments, the unplanned had its charms; like some sort of seduction game that came out of the blue. It was exciting and brought adrenalin to run through her veins at a high speed. It was addicting too.

She passed the door of her office and turned the lights on. The floor was quiet and empty. Cold. Repressing a shiver, she went to sit at her desk and opened the files she had left there the day before. Only a few articles she had printed about new studies. No case whatsoever.

She hated when it happened. Not only did the days seem to last forever but it gave her even less of an excuse to make it up there, to _her_ office.

_Her office..._

Jane's office, of course. Who else could it be?

Whenever the doors of the elevator opened on the upper floor, she could smell coffee wrap her right away as the daylight passing by the large windows almost blinded her after having spent so much time under the artificial rays of gloomy neon by a dead body. A perpetual, literal renaissance.

Coming back from the dark kingdom of death to the brightness of life.

And seeing her there. Coming and going; either plunged in a case or gladly killing time with her colleagues. Jane...

_Jane..._

As the sound of the name echoed in her head, Maura closed her eyes and abandoned herself to what had now turned in a routine as well. The fantasies were always blurry. Nothing special was happening in them but Jane's face appearing before her eyes and everything seemed so calm. So quiet.

_A double-date. She is going to hate it but yet she will abdicate and say yes. She always does, with me. Always. She can't resist, not to me. _

A smirk softly embraced her lips at such a thought but soon enough a wave of bitterness swept it away and she swallowed hard. She wasn't one to be fooled. She knew the game and its rules for too many years, now. And she played along because it was vain. The rest was vain. And too risky, perhaps.

"Doctor Isles?"

She opened her eyes and smiled peacefully at the young intern who – shyly – had stopped by the door of her office; not daring to walk in without her very own permission.

Yes, that's what she was for everyone: Doctor Isles, Commonwealth of Massachusetts' Chief Medical Examiner. A brilliant woman who led a successful yet dull life.

"Come in."

A dull life. Too expected. Boring, just like her personality. Since her earliest years, people had seen her like this. Only a few ones had got to know who she really was but like these shameful secrets people bury within themselves, none of them had yet revealed anything.

Appearances are tricky.

"I was wondering..."

The intern was young, lacking experience and self-confidence. Dancing on his feet before her desk, he reminded her of these kids who came to you in order to confess their guilt about something stupid. A relation of power and dominance between the adult who owns the knowledge and the novice who still has to learn everything.

She wasn't sure to enjoy it, in all honesty.

"May I accompany you on the next case?"

Taking her time to reply, Maura cast a glance at her African masks. There was a time when she used to contemplate them for long minutes, admiring the work that had been done on them. Lately, she had almost forgotten to their presence by her desk.

"We will have to ask Detective Rizzoli."

Jane would hate that, which automatically made Maura smile. She loved teasing her friend, going on her nerves. Somehow, it made them feel closer. And that was something she simply couldn't decline offering herself.

Since all the rest was prohibited.


	2. Melissa

_**Author's note: thanks a lot for the review...!**_

**Chapter two – Melissa**

_Her name was Melissa. A red-haired, petite girl with the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen around. She lived in a big Victorian house and was an only child. Just like me._

_It must be why we went for each other so easily._

_At school, she tended to ignore me; for whatever reason I am still not sure to understand, now. But we met at the tennis club every afternoon. Her father was a powerful businessman while her mother used to own an art gallery in Manhattan. They weren't there for her most of the time. _

_She had a strong personality, the kind of person who never passes unnoticed even among a crowd of strangers. It was innate. And so mysterious to me. Appealing. It is probably the very classic scheme of the very timid girl attracted to the one she secretly would love being. And nothing else... Just that, you know. A random, typical scenario._

_After our practice, we used to share a lemonade before coming back to our respective, empty houses. None of us really felt like doing so. Going back home was a nonsense; a bitter regret. So we delayed it as much as we could. _

_One afternoon, we got caught in the rain; on our way back home. We began to run but it was too late. By the time we reached her house, we were soaked wet. I remember that the rain drops used to fall down her face like fragile diamonds her eyes released at every single second. I followed one of them and looked how it embraced her neck before disappearing down, somewhere between her flesh and the blue cotton of her shirt. _

"_Do you want to stay in, get change and wait for the rain to stop before going back to your place?"_

_I shook my head. It might have been raining but I couldn't care less. I liked it. I liked standing there in the middle of an empty street in that wealthy neighborhood of the city. She shrugged at my reply then smiled at me before turning on her heels, heading towards the door of her house. I grabbed her wrist to stop her._

_She turned around to look at me._

"_You're pretty."_

_I am not sure that she actually heard my voice. It was so low, too shy. But she kept on smiling as if it were alright. So I bent over and captured her lips in a kiss. A chaste one. Yet wanted._

_We were nine years old. After that day, she stopped talking to me._

…

It was easy to find someone. As soon as she made it to the dance floor and began to move her hips, a few pairs of eyes stopped on her immediately. But she was the one who chose, who made the decision and finally went towards the one she would leave with for the rest of the night. Being in control of the situation was necessary. Or else she simply couldn't enjoy it.

She loved seducing people in nightclubs. It was easy. No need to speak, no need to explain yourself on many levels. You were taken as you had come and that was it. A very primary way of communication that she had learned to use efficiently.

The first thing she noticed turned out to be the shoes; the Italian haute-couture quality that only a few could afford. She owned an identical pair herself. Very slowly – already conscious she had been spotted too – her eyes went up the legs.

Long legs, quite slim; moving nicely to the loud music that played in the background. The hips giving power to a nicely shaped figure. Her long hair was up in a loose bun; some flocks caressing her jawline as she kept on moving and dancing around.

Their eyes locked and Maura knew it was sealed.

Smiling but never breaking eye contact with the girl, she approached her until their bodies began to move in unison to the underground music. As she seductively passed a leg between the girl's, Maura let her hands slide on her waist then dragged her closer. The brunette let her do.

_Expected..._

"I'm Eva."

The girl bent over, whispering in Maura's ear; the breath on her skin making her slightly shiver. She closed her eyes, planted a light yet daring kiss on Eva's neck before replying back.

"Maura..."

As the brunette let her hands slide up Maura's arms, the medical examiner let hers go down slowly to her dance partner's lower back. The music was pulsing against her temples, echoing the beats of her heart in a hypnotizing motion. She closed her eyes again then rested her head on Eva's shoulder; her lips planting soft kisses here and there.

It didn't take long in the end.

"Your place or mine?"

Smiling at the question, Maura grabbed the brunette's hand and led her outside. It had been raining, the damp – cold – air sticking to their faces as they passed the door of the nightclub and found themselves back in the street. Caressing the back of Eva's hand with her thumb, the medical examiner licked her lips as she locked her eyes with her interlocutor.

"Your place."

She never took women back home. Not only because anyone – starting with Jane – could walk in on them in the middle of the night but also because if she did so, then she would have to deal with the awkwardness of the morning after. When both lovers know it was just a one-night stand and it is already over but yet keep on pretending because it is the way it is supposed to be.

At least that way, she could leave when she felt like to. Once they were done. She drove back home and found the quietness of her place wrapping her up peacefully. Then she would have a shower and go to bed, waking up the next morning as if nothing had happened.

And it would just be another secret. A small, insignificant detail.

Perhaps she couldn't lie but she was good at hiding things because it had been going on for years, now. And nobody suspected anything.

Absolutely no one. She was sure of it.


	3. Catherine

**Chapter three: Catherine**

_Her name was Catherine. She had long, dark hair and blue eyes; very pale ones. Almost transparent when the sun came to reflect itself in them. She loved literature and was quite shy. No, wait. Not shy but discreet. And very calm._

_She used to spend hours in the library, reading mostly Russian authors. Her knowledge impressed me, as well as the easiness with which she used to talk about them; from the complexity of their syntax to the themes the novelists had developed and how. She wanted to become a professor and seemed to dedicate her whole time to this purpose. Unless just like most of us, she was running away from something else through it. And nothing else._

_As much as we shared our room, we didn't converse much. I was certainly not the roommate people wanted to have and anyway, she lived in her own world. Far, so far from the rest. _

_I didn't really mind. At least she didn't make fun of me nor stare at me as if I were crazy. Many other girls did. They didn't like me. _

_I guess I have never got to know about her parents' occupation nor if she had siblings. We rarely talked about family, there. Mostly because if we had signed in for boarding school, it was because home didn't have the same meaning as for most of people. Being part of a family was, for us, a blurry notion. Quite utopian. Bitterly exotic._

_It happened in May. Temperatures had suddenly risen to the point days had turned suffocating and everyone preferred to stay in; looking for the coolness of the old buildings. The first lightning stroke somewhere in the valley and echoed in our room, a ray of blue light suddenly spreading over the dark shadows of the night. Before such vision, I couldn't help but gasp; tightening my grip on the sheet. The wind rose up as the branches of the centenarian trees began to move around in a terrifying ballet that got reflected on the walls of our room. Suddenly, I heard her mattress squeal and I turned my head around. Before I had time to analyze the slightest thing, she had slid by my side, in my bed._

"_It's just a storm. Nothing to be afraid about, Maura."_

_Holding me tight, she locked her eyes with mine and smiled, peacefully. Taken aback by her gesture, I didn't move; didn't speak. Then let her do when she leaned in to kiss me. _

_It was the first one since Melissa and my obviously awkward step that had cost me our friendship. But this time – and since it didn't come from me – I daringly deepened the kiss._

_We were thirteen years old. She came several times to sleep by my side and kiss me. Then her parents moved to Australia and she followed them. I never know what became of her._

…_  
_

Suddenly conscious that her friend, on the other side of the table, had stopped moving to stare at her for long seconds now, Jane frowned then shook her head.

"What? Do I have ketchup all over my face?"

Laughing quietly at the remark, Maura shook her head and bit her lower lip. _In one, two, three... She is going to kill me. _Which was delighting. The honey blonde took a deep breath as a bright smile lit up her features.

"Leo will probably love..."

She didn't need to say more. Actually, the end of her sentence got buried by the detective's loud sigh as she immediately understood what her friend was alluding to.

"Oh no, Maura. Not another double date. Come on..."

Without breaking eye-contact with her friend, Maura took a bite of her salad and shrugged. She was very amused to say the least. Jane's reactions were so expected and extravagant that she always found her friend to be quite funny. _Now let's work on this..._

"I don't understand your reluctance to go on double dates. It is fun and a great way to converse with people while sharing a nice meal."

Some people would have said that she was playing the ingenue, others would have highlighted a more Jekyll and Hyde side of her. But in all honesty, she was just being herself; according to situations and different contexts. Especially with Jane.

"Because it is so artificial and planned... What happens to the spontaneity of the whole thing?"

That remark made her raise her eyebrow in surprise. Barely restraining a smirk, she cleared her voice and bent over the table before plunging her eyes in her friend's dark ones.

"Jane Clementine Rizzoli, I didn't know that you were such a romantic person."

New excessive reaction. Now the detective gasped, looking vaguely offended by such idea. _I am not stupid, Jane. I know perfectly well how to handle you and get what I want from your pretty face._

"I never said I wanted a whole Jane Austen scenery!"

Maura pouted, imagining her friend with a very British landscape in the background. Somehow, it did not really fit.

"Perfect, then. Dinner is at 7.30pm tomorrow. I will drive you there. Oh, and wear something... Dressy. We aren't going to a diner, obviously."

And here they were. Jane widened her eyes, incredulous as she was. When exactly had she accepted? And why was Maura always the one deciding upon her? Sometimes, her friend sounded just like her mother; patronizing her and scheduling her life without even waiting for her agreement.

"Wait... What? … And... And who are you going with, exactly? I mean, who is your date and... Damn, Maur'... Come on, you evil. Give me at least some details!"

The medical examiner settled back on her seat and smiled peacefully. It was getting very easy to get Jane to accept the slightest thing.

"I didn't know that you read Jane Austen... What did you think about _Pride and Prejudice_?"

Obviously pissed off, Jane made a face and drowned her sarcastic remark in her beer. Yes, Maura was her best friend but boy was she talented to go on her nerves with such easiness.

"Cut off on literature and answer my question, okay? Where did you meet your date – who the hell I am going to go with – and... Well, the basics! Give me the basics!"


	4. Emily

**Chapter four: Emily**

_Her name was Emily. She was blond and had a beauty spot at the corner of her mouth; a deep, quiet voice when she spoke. I don't even know how she got to know me because she was older and I was not the popular girl everyone talked about and knew. I was quite invisible, nonexistent somehow._

_We used to cross each other in hallways – at the library – but we never talked; barely exchanged the mere look. She wasn't in my sphere, I wasn't in hers. Nothing more, nothing less than that. It was quite random, as a matter of fact._

_Boarding schools don't make people closer. On the contrary, they tend to cause tensions and humiliation for the ones who have the unfortunate idea to be weak._

_I had heard about the party by accident. Of course, I wasn't invited but for some reason – and for once a little boldness from my part – I decided to go. Once there, people would probably either ignore me or ask me to leave but I didn't care. I wanted to go there and see; see what it was to be among them, all these kids who were supposed to be "in". _

_It was held in the old stables that had been converted a few years before in a series of small lounges where we could go and relax on weekends and evenings. Some girl was celebrating her birthday and for being a diplomat's daughter – an excellent student – she had got the right to organize a little party. It almost never happened, there. It was all about studying._

_By 9pm, I finally left the dorm building and took the oak path that led to the end of the park where the school had been built. Loud music could be heard in the distance, echoing through the countryside in the darkness of the night. _

_Since nobody was checking at the door, I had no problem to enter. The smell of nicotine wrapped me up as the clicking of glasses kept on accompanying the loud beats of the music. As planned, nobody looked at me so I made my way through the crowd until I reached the mezzanine converted in a small book corner with no seats but cushions on the floor. From there, I would be able to observe the scene which was my exact purpose in the end. At no moment had I imagined me interact with anybody._

"_Wanna a drink?"_

_I jumped, taken by surprise as a voice interrupted my observation. I turned around and saw her. She was sat against the wall – surrounded by books. A bottle of vodka by her side; and a glass. Where had she found alcohol? She smiled at me._

"_I know you. Maura, right?"_

_I nodded and accepted the glass she tended me then went to sit by her side so the music wouldn't cover too much our voices. Emily bent over me and winked mischievously. She was wearing a knee-length dress with a certain lowcut. How had she managed to have the right to wear this here?_

"_I know you because you're pretty... Beautiful hair."_

_Her fingers brushed my neck before getting intertwined in my hair playfully. I was petrified. My heart was beating fast and my mouth was dry. _

_She must have been wondering why I wasn't saying anything; why I wasn't trying to make conversation with her. She locked her eyes with mine and bit her lower lip as if she were thinking very hard about something._

"_Have you ever... No, of course you haven't."_

_She brushed away her own question then captured my lips in a deep kiss. I responded to it immediately then let her do as she laid me down on the cushions and passed on top of me. The party being in full swing a few feet under us, nobody felt the urge to go upstairs to interrupt us._

_Good thing._

_I was sixteen years old. She was eighteen. I heard once she got married._

…

Nothing had really changed. Same buildings, same paths, same trees. Same students running to their next lecture a few, heavy books in hand. As she was approaching the crime scene, Maura stopped and cast a glance at the background. How many years had passed since the last time she had walked by there?

It seemed like an eternity. So many things had happened in her life since then.

Taking a deep breath, she finally climbed the few steps that led into the building; took a deep breath. It still smelled of wax; that strong scent she had never really liked but that yet had once turned to be a reference in her own life. She turned on her right and plunged into what had now become a routine.

Yellow tape. A few officers in uniform. The usual curious ones. And the weight of death floating around coldly.

"Good morning, Doctor Isles."

She nodded back at the woman by her side and passed under the tape, catching everyone's attention with her stilettos resounding hard on the marble floor of the building.

She didn't like her job but loved it. In an addicting way. She couldn't live without the adrenalin that a new case set off, all the elements she would have to focus on. A new jigsaw puzzle to solve and in her very own way, a soul to relieve. The one of the victim.

"Meredith Banks. Twenty-three years old. A medical student. She was found by her roommate as she was coming back from a lecture in another building a bit further..."

Maura nodded then cleared her voice.

"I know where lectures are held. I studied here myself."

As she kneed down by the victim, something got shut in her brain. The rest of the world disappeared from her conscious and all the sounds around came to her like a soft brouhaha she could barely hear. She knew that she was being observed by strangers but she didn't mind. She had learned how to deal with it for a while, now.

Very quickly, her eyes scanned the surroundings of the dead body before finally stopping on the victim. The first seconds were the most important ones. Everything got settled by then, if only in her mind.

"Doctor Isles?"

A trembling voice got her out of her nearly trance and she turned around. As promised, she had come with her intern who was shyly waiting for his next move by a couple of officers. She rose a hand in the air to stop him.

"Just a second..."

Focusing back on the victim, the medical examiner observed the young woman's features. Blond, pale complexion. Fit. A wave of heat suddenly invaded her and she began to breathe loudly, with difficulty. _Calm down, Maura. Calm down now._

For some reason, she was panicking.

"Where is Jane? Where is Detective Rizzoli?"

Her voice resounded loud, highlighting her latent panic. She wasn't fine; for whatever reason. She needed Jane by her side.


	5. Anastasia

**Chapter five: Anastasia**

_Her name was Anastasia. Her hair was extremely long – brushing her lower back in a bewitching motion – and covering a tattoo she had got there. A snake biting its tail. She had gone for it when in Russia. Her eyes were brown and her accent reminded me of Olga._

_She had come to the United States to study poetry and when I had asked her whether she wanted to become herself a poet, she had simply said no. She studied it for the beauty of words and the way they sounded perfectly when assembled together. Like a singular music. I had liked it._

_She was the daughter of a diplomat. An only child but always surrounded by a crowd. They all came to her, naturally. It was hard to resist._

_I remember the taste of her collarbone against my lips; the way her chest went up and down under her rough breath as I planted kisses on her naked skin. For the very first time, I was the one who led the whole thing and against all expectations, I really loved it. _

_We had met when signing in for summer classes on the campus. While most of the students decided to go for a break, I desperately wanted to stay there. I had no friend whatsoever. College was all for me. _

_Besides, spending a summer in Boston is a delightful idea. The parks allow you to find the necessary shadows of the trees to escape from the heat while the coast brings a constant sea breeze. _

_I made the first step. I led her to my bedroom. I did everything. Just for her. Was it a fling? Probably... Her flesh was warm under the palms of my hands; her breath hot against my neck. She looked fragile in my arms. Every single time. Delicate. She probably had more experience than I had but she lacked self-confidence. And strangely enough, I felt strong by her side._

_I showed her Boston and the area. We even went to New York once. Hand in hand, out there. We had got tickets for an Off-Broadway production in The Village. In an old brownstone. It was so hot in that small room that they had opened the windows and we would hear children playing in the street during the performance. _

_Then one day she packed and went back to Russia. She took it all away. Our kisses, our confessions; these long moments of silence when nothing seemed to really have importance. The lightness of the summer. _

_It was all over._

_We were nineteen years old. She promised me that she would come back. She never did._

…

From the other side of the table, Jane observed Maura outrageously flirting with her date. Her friend used to say that she wasn't good at human contacts – at building relations – but it wasn't true. Only her could go to the most random place and leave a few minutes later with a planned date. Perhaps it came subconsciously to the honey blonde but she surely knew about the art of seduction.

As John bent over to plant a kiss on Maura's neck, Jane grew uncomfortable and decided to focus back on her very own date. John's best friend. Classic – sad – pathetic double-date plan.

"So... Archeology, right? That's interesting. Do you travel a lot around the world for that?"

Not that she hadn't thought about the Indiana Jones reference but she assumed Leo was probably tired of hearing that. But before the scientist had a chance to reply, Maura burst out laughing which caused them both to turn around; curious to see what they had missed.

Conscious of her loud reaction, the medical examiner shook her hand in apologies before drowning a barely restrained smile in her glass of wine. Jane swallowed hard. She hated that. The way Maura tended to behave during a date. It wasn't her at all. It wasn't the Maura she knew and liked.

"Leo is specialized in Pre-Columbian civilizations, Jane. Isn't it fascinating? From the extremely well developed Maya calendar to the way some civilizations died, it is a whole part of the continent that still lies in a blurry mystery."

Maura forced a smile. It wasn't going as planned. Jane was good at talking to people – no mattered whom they were and whether she shared points in common with them – but right now, she didn't even seem to enjoy being there at all. Subconsciously, the medical examiner bit her lower lip. Was her friend taking some distance with her, if only involuntarily? Had something got broken at some point between them and she hadn't noticed?

_Don't be ridiculous. Everything is going fine, perfectly fine. As long as Jane is by your side, it all goes alright._

As for her very own date... Maura turned back to John as she felt his hand on her knee. He was nice and rather good-looking. Smart. They would probably spend the night together then she would never reply to his mails; never answer his phone calls. A one-night stand. A mere one-night stand. Just another one. Unless Jane wanted to stop by her house for a chat. Then she would change her plan. The detective was her only priority, right now.

She tried, over and over, but all the men she met either turned bad or didn't satisfy her; leaving her a tad empty and she hated that sentiment creeping inside of her every time it happened. The thing is, she did not even know what she was looking for through them exactly. _An utopia...? _Looking at Jane finally interacting with Leo, Maura sighed. Nothing would ever work out.

"Would you all like to go to a bar after dinner? Maybe we could share a last drink or something."

John's voice took Maura out of her gloomy daydream. She opened her mouth to reply enthusiastically when Jane gave the sentence immediately.

"Nah... I don't think so. It's already late and we got this big case that has just started. I have to be at the office early tomorrow. It'll be without me, guys."

Maura swallowed hard and clenched her fist. Something weighed heavy on her heart, suddenly. _The bitter taste of failure, perhaps? _These double-dates were her only occasion to actually be on a date with Jane; if only virtually. It was utterly pathetic but still better than nothing. Somehow.

Except it hurt when Jane didn't play along. Just like now.


	6. Leah

**Chapter six: Leah **

_Her name was Leah. She had honey blond hair and green eyes; a very communicative smile. People used to say that she was easy-going when she was anything but that. Because she counted so much to me and I couldn't stand the idea to share her with anyone. _

_As far as I remember, it was the first time jealousy had a hold over me like that. I suffered terribly but at the same time, couldn't be happier. She was there – with me – by my side. I was hers as she was mine and that was it. Somehow._

_We had met during an internship. A long, dull night during which nothing was really happening. I had taken advantage of the quietness to revise a few points for my next class. She sat at my table and let slide on it a cup of coffee. _

"_It's the only way to survive here, Maura."_

_Surprised, I had looked up and lost myself into her smile. At that exact moment, I knew that she would be mine. _

_She came from Chicago and had four sisters, all younger. Her parents had got a divorce a few months before her to start college but very soon her mother had got married again. By coming to Boston, Leah had run away from this second page of her family life she had a hard time dealing with. Not that she ever said it out loud but I understood it rather quickly. When we began dating each other._

_Dating._

_Even now, the word still sounds weird to me. Not wrong but... Precarious. This was by far my very first and serious relationship with a woman. And if it all came naturally, I had the feeling something was denied to me. The possibility to fully enjoy it, perhaps. _

_I had never felt so close to someone, so happy and yet completely destroyed. And it was all because of me; because I was so exclusive. Leah dealt better with these things. She had the experience and the maturity I lacked. She did her best to comfort me, to reassure me. But every time, it ended up in some sort of explosion of my jealousy and we argued, over and over. _

_We went to Rome together, planned our future. Our relation was so strong and addicting that I couldn't even image spending a single minute away from her. This is what killed us. This is the reason why we broke up. _

"_You're exhausting, Maura. I love you but I can't. It can't go on like that."_

_It didn't take me by surprise as if right from the beginning, I had known and guessed that this would happen at some point. I was prepared, almost relieved when she said so. Yet it kept on hurting for many years after that._

_We were twenty-five. This is when I understood a couple of things about me, about my life._

…_  
_

Rocked by her intern's voice who was reading out loud the last results of the lab, Maura looked down at the victim and sighed quietly. This case was going too slow to her taste. So far, nothing had really come up except the evidence of a rape and several hemorrhages. A violent crime, which made her madder to be in full incapacity to speed up the investigation. Meredith needed to be avenged – fairly – if only to relieve her soul.

Suddenly, the doors of the autopsy room flew open and soon Jane's irritated voice filled the place.

"Flowers! He got me flo..."

With an amused smile, Maura looked at her friend as she realized that they weren't alone. Taken aback by such irruption, the intern had stopped reading his papers and was now looking at the detective a bit awkwardly.

Uncomfortable, Jane began to dance on her feet; clearing her voice while looking down without saying a word. Restraining a laugh, Maura turned around and smiled at the intern who nodded and left, more relieved than anything to have a chance to escape from such a singular scene.

"Roses? Tulips? Lilies?"

Jane was fuming, which was absolutely delightful to see. _And cute... _Maura loved when her friend lost her nerves and abandoned herself to extravagant gestures. She knew that the detective would have gladly got rid of a bit of this impulsive side that made her regret so many things afterward but it was her temper and she would always be like that.

"Obviously Leo would be delighted to see you again."

Jane scoffed – looked around desperately – then frowned at Maura, lowering her voice in what was supposed to sound threatening.

"Well, it's not mutual! … Flowers here. At the office. Imagine the kind of remarks I got when that huge bouquet got delivered. All the guys are teasing me, now!"

Pretending to be surprised, the medical examiner pouted before rising an eyebrow. She knew what Jane was talking about and could actually understand her friend. Working in a male environment had its disadvantages; no mattered the years and the experience, it was never easy.

"How come? Leo is nice, good-looking and well educated. He didn't even seem troubled by the fact you were a detective."

Jane bit her lower lip, reluctant to admit that her friend was right. Leo had seemed interested in all the things she had told him – even the stupid ones all these glasses of wine had probably pushed her to confess – but for some reason she couldn't really explain, she didn't want more from him. There was no spark. Nothing.

A bit uncomfortable, she shrugged and avoided Maura's insistent gaze on her. As usual, the honest reply she wanted to give remained stuck somewhere between her throat and her lips.

"If you find him so great then date him."

The honey blonde shook her head immediately, missing on her friend's sarcasm; one more time.

"I'm rather exclusive when in a relationship."

The detective was about to laugh away her friend's reply when something stopped her. Something Maura had said.

"A relationship? Since when are you in a relationship?"

The medical examiner looked suddenly lost and confused. Grabbing the medical files the intern had left on a table nearby, she shrugged at Jane then headed to her office.

"Weren't we on a date last night?"

Jane looked down at the dead body then turned around to follow Maura. She hated being alone in the autopsy room. Too cold; too bare.

"Since when one date settles down a relationship? Damn, Maur'... Why do you do that? Why do you do that, all the time?"

Maura abandoned the files on her desk and poured herself a glass of water, frowning at her friend in confusion. She liked Jane's protective side – a lot – but she knew that she had to keep some distance with it no mattered what.

"Men are made to live in society. To mate. This is perfectly normal to go for the quest of the other one, the..."

The end of her sentence disappeared in the air as Jane grabbed her hands to hold them tight; forcing her to plunge her eyes in hers.

"But not in a desperate attempt to just not be alone... Which you aren't. I'm here for you, Maura. Please tell me you know that."

Long seconds flew by, eternal ones during which none of them spoke – barely breathed – for being lost in each other's eyes. Maura swallowed hard, trying to calm the beats of her heart. _You're here and then what? _

"Pizza?"

Jane smiled brightly then nodded.

"Your place or mine?"


	7. Margaret

_**Author's note: thank you very much for the reviews, they are highly appreciated!**_

_**...**_

**Chapter seven: Margaret**

_Her name was Margaret. She had curly brown hair and a deep, penetrating gaze that many people feared. It contrasted a lot with her smooth voice though that was hypnotizing and comforting. _

_She used to wear a ring on her wedding band finger. A very simple one – pure gold – that had belonged once to her grandmother who had moved from Ireland to make it here in America. I remember the way her hand used to slide on my lower back protectively. How a wave of warmth used to spread through my stomach as she did so; adrenalin rushing along. _

"_Adenosine triphosphate was no longer provided to operate the SERCA pumps in the membrane of the sarcoplasmic reticulum, which pump calcium ions into the terminal cisternae..."_

_We understood each other. Right from the beginning, she had guessed that I was different from the rest of the crowd although not in a bad way. For once, someone didn't look at me as if I had lost mind. She knew it was passion, if only because she shared the same one._

_I don't remember our first kiss. Not even the first time we slept together nor how we came to it. I guess it simply happened after spending more and more time together. We grew closer little by little, to the point our relation took another turn. _

_She used to say that I was just like her. Some sort of a twin who would have appeared from nowhere. In a way, I guess she was my soul mate except we made the mistake to take this chemistry for something else. Sex was great but we should have never been lovers and we had always known it._

_The situation was complex. Too many what-ifs, too many doubts and secrets. Now I think about it, it seems like we pushed all these elements aside to try in spite of everything. Out of despair, maybe. But there is always a lesson to take from anything. And I guess that's what we did. _

_She managed to calm me down, to ease – if only a little – the pain that I had been accumulating for a while in silence. And I owe her what I am now. _

_She guided me through the kingdom of death where souls speak in silence, with that delicate subtlety I have learned to love more than anything. Lord knows where I would be now if our paths hadn't crossed at some point. _

"_You have the sensitivity it takes to be a talented medical examiner. Never forget this."_

_We never really broke up. Not officially. As the weeks passed by, we simply took our distance; little by little. Naturally. Then one day I understood that 'we' had ceased to be._

_I was twenty-six years old. She was forty-five. She is still giving lectures as a professor for Boston Cambridge University. I see her from time to time._

…

"How about 'Liam'? It is cute. Don't you like it?"

Jane took a sip of her beer, put the bottle back on the bedside table and settled better against the large pillows; her eyes fixed on the laptop screen. After long seconds, she shrugged then nodded.

"Yeah it surely is better than 'Brayden'."

Maura rolled her eyes before bursting out laughing. The computer slightly slid down on her lap. She held it back more firmly, finding a better sitting position; closer to her friend.

"I didn't say that I liked 'Brayden'. I said that it was okay."

Jane swept away her friend's remark with a gesture of the hand then grabbed another slice of pizza. The evening wasn't really going as planned but she couldn't complain. They had made it to her place – for a pizza and to talk about the case – but soon enough they had argued over a name and before they knew it had found themselves on a website about the most popular baby names.

Subconscious move or not. In all honesty, the case of Meredith Banks was tough and weighed a lot on everyone's shoulders. Not just because the investigation was going nowhere but also because of that odd sensation the crime let float in the air. There was something sad about it. Something that nobody could really explain. Meredith should have been on the campus right now, not in a fridge down by an autopsy room. The superficiality of baby names was a well appreciated escape.

Jane bit into her pizza and mumbled.

"I kind of like 'Ava'..."

Maura smiled brightly at her friend. She loved these evenings when nothing else mattered but their very own little world. She would have given anything by then so time could freeze and she would stay trapped in this exact moment: sat next to Jane on a bed, feeling the warmth of her body as their arms brushed each other; their legs.

Sometimes, Jane leaned her head on her shoulder – or she did it herself in a moment of abandon. Her inner reaction was always the same: her heart began to beat faster as her breath became rough.

"You do? I love it too!"

Jane restrained a smile and slightly blushed. How did she hate the way she was just unable to say her feelings out loud once and for all. Even for something as bare and ridiculous as a baby name, it took her all she had to admit she liked one. She envied Maura on that point. The honey blonde seemed to have absolutely no barrier whatsoever about anything. She spoke freely, not caring much about what the others could think.

"Well... Of course, 'Dorthea' would be my first choice but..."

Maura's snap on her shoulder stopped her. She scoffed, yet barely restraining a smile before the fact her friend had finally got her sarcasm. With her best offended face, she turned around and looked at the blonde.

"Maura Dorthea Isles... Have you just hit me?"

The medical examiner smirked before a soft smile embraced her lips and she bent over to plant a light kiss on her friend's cheek. Jane didn't say anything, simply leaned her head on Maura's shoulder; her eyes focused on the laptop screen.

Soon they would fall asleep. Or better said, Jane would fall asleep. Maura would need more time to let go of everything and she would spend long minutes in the dark looking at her friend – by her side – breathing peacefully.

This was how she had understood once – a long time ago – that she was attracted to Jane. All of a sudden, she had wondered what would happen if she bent over and captured her friend's lips in a kiss.

_Then she became addicting._


	8. Isabella

**Chapter eight: Isabella**

_Her name was Isabella. She had very long – very dark hair – and blue eyes. She never wore makeup except for a bright red lipstick that contrasted with her very fair complexion. She owned that singular beauty that only a few have; like these actresses from Hollywood whom we have never known but only in black and white. _

_We met at a modern art exhibition on New Year's Eve. Among the crowd of strangers, I noticed her almost immediately. She was wearing a knee-length black dress with expensive stilettos while a big aquamarine at her neck deepened the blue of her gaze. She was a photographer – a professional one – and for long minutes we exchanged about Robert Capa. _

_Then he came by her side. _

_He._

_Her husband. They had got married the year before and had just bought a house in a quiet district of Boston. She had wanted a loft but he had managed to convince her about the townhouse thanks to the guest house that they would convert in her workshop and then she had had no reason to decline the offer. _

_They looked utterly happy. Not in a foolish way but with that wisdom that only a few couples get to know; only the real ones, these people who are meant to be together for the rest of their life. _

_His name was Thomas. An ex-attorney who one day had given up on a very comfortable life only to live from his painting. _

_I admired them immediately, for absolutely everything; from the radiant happiness that irradiated from them to the confidence with which they seemed to pursue their dreams. Such a carefree attitude carried on by an obvious talent they both had. They were young and right. True to themselves._

_We bonded over modern art and very soon, I began to spend more time with Isabella. I remember all our dinners, our lunches. All these exhibitions we went to together. Yet I wouldn't say that we were close friends. Not acquaintances either, though. We were standing there, somewhere in between. _

_She got pregnant and they moved to London. _

_Nothing ever happened between her and I. But still..._

_I was twenty-seven. And whenever I saw her, waiting for me – smiling – I was mesmerized by her delicate yet so strong beauty. Her charms._

…

She didn't go to nightclubs or bars with regularity. Most of the times, she let herself got carried away by her life until she felt terribly lonely. Then she went out and found someone; if only for a few hours. Most of people would have found such a behavior quite sad. She preferred not to think about it too much. _And so what? This is my life; my choices. _

We all have our own way to deal with a few things.

"I'm Jane."

To the sound of the name, Maura's hand got tensed around the glass she had been holding. Forcing her smile to remain on her lips, she swallowed hard.

It had never happened before. At no moment had she ever chosen a woman who had the same name as the one from whom she was desperately trying to run away, especially at night. _Shit. _She let very long seconds pass by, unsure if she would nonetheless keep on talking to the person she had offered a drink to or if it was better to stop everything now.

"Maura."

Jane looked nothing like _her _Jane. She was blond; a short bob that framed delicate features and deep, green eyes. Maura had noticed her because she was the only woman who had chosen a seat by the bar, just like her. She hadn't felt like dancing. Anyway, that place wasn't really a nightclub.

After long minutes of talk, both women headed out in the street. It was snowing, now; the flakes dancing a waltz in the air before melting into the darkness of a damp asphalt. Soon enough, the roads would be icy and dangerous. It was better to leave now.

"Do you want to come to my place for a drink?"

As much as the medical examiner had asked, she wasn't sure it was a good idea. She never did that but Jane had told her that her roommate received the visit of her son, this weekend. So she assumed that it would be easier that way around. Plunging her hands in the pockets of her coat, the blonde nodded and smiled brightly.

Angela had left for a few days and it was highly improbable that Jane would stop by but as she opened the door of her house, Maura couldn't help but shake. Inviting someone to her place meant agreeing with opening herself to this person; giving her a deeper glimpse of whom she really was. It was not what she was looking for right now.

"Wine?"

Jane nodded, asked for the bathroom and followed Maura's indications. _You shouldn't be doing that. Not here. Not her. Not now. _But as if her brain had suddenly lost any kind of hold on her, the honey blonde opened a bottle and poured two glasses of wine before agreeing with showing Jane her house.

She wasn't really planning on leading her to her bedroom so quickly – not that she cared when she was the guest herself – but the blonde saw a few shelves full of books and joyfully came in to have a look at them. With her eyes wide opened, Jane let her index finger slide on the leather covers of a few novels.

"This is an impressive collection of old... Sorry. I work for a publishing house."

Slightly reassured, Maura nodded then smiled; sipping on her wine. Very slowly, she let her guest check the books and went to sit on the edge of her bed. She didn't know what to say; what to do. Somehow, she couldn't help feeling uncomfortable. Nobody came here but Jane, usually. _Her _Jane.

As the blonde finally turned around, she motioned a few books on the nightstand.

"What are you reading?"

Maura followed her gaze before frowning. If she didn't manage to make the slightest sentence, she would obviously end up scaring Jane. She opened her mouth to reply but her guest turned out to be faster and went to check the titles herself.

"Oh... Are you a doctor?"

Only forensic essays. She hadn't been in the mood for any novel, lately. The world of fiction sounded less appealing than the Cartesian sphere of science right now.

"... Yes, I am. A medical examiner, to be more precise."

Jane smiled softly at her before her gaze stopped on something that made Maura blush suddenly. The blonde grabbed the frame and observed the picture.

"Is she..."

Maura took a last sip of her wine, put the glass on the floor and cleared her voice before replying a bit too loudly.

"My friend."

They had taken the picture a few months ago during a picnic in a park; on a summer afternoon.

Now she thought about it, the way Jane and her were looking at the cam reminded her of a bad remake of _Thelma & Louise_ for nobody else but them having taken the picture themselves. Yet she loved that shot more than anything. They were close to each other, smiling brightly at the cam. Right in the moment. Light. Happy.

The blonde nodded and bit her lower lip. Was she having doubts? Maura began to slightly panic.

"Like in 'friend'. She's... She's just a friend."

Jane didn't miss the bitterness that highlighted Maura's last remark. A delicate smile embraced her lips – the one of someone who knows way too well what the other doesn't manage to say out loud – and she sighed.

"She doesn't know, right?"

Maura found herself lost in her guest's green eyes. She had never talked to it about anyone. Her feelings, all the rest... Nobody knew and it would always be like that. Unable to speak, she simply shook her head and looked how Jane put back the picture frame on the nightstand before coming closer to her.

_Don't cry. Not now. Don't do that, Maura._

The blonde pushed away from the medical examiner's face a lock of hair; caressed her cheek.

"It's alright."

Maura's kiss put an end to the conversation. It was better like that.


	9. Constance

_**Author's Notes: thank you very much for the reviews, I highly appreciate them. And for the ones who might miss out the whole purpose of this story, I suggest them to read Rainbow345uk's review. I couldn't sum it up better.**_

_**...**_

**Chapter nine: Constance **

_Her name was Constance. Bittersweet name, for obvious reasons. And quite ironical meaning as well. She had curly – brown – hair and hazel eyes that she hid way too often behind a pair of glasses. She always wore stilettos, if only to compensate her short height and her soft voice that made her pass unnoticed a bit too easily. Or at least to everyone but me. _

_She was a high school teacher; very passionate about her job. She could talk about it during hours and hours. Her eyes would shine like diamonds as she told me about her future plans and where she stood before the current educative system. She had her opinions and didn't fear to tell them out loud. On the contrary, she seemed to find in them a way to provoke people and it made her even stronger; almost untouchable. _

_She told me that she was married but it was too late. For the second time in my life, I had fallen for a woman and couldn't even imagine going on without her by my side. No matters what. _

_We always talk about values and morals but we don't choose whom we fall for. Love is a strong, way too powerful feeling to ever be controlled by anyone. One can try and stay away from it, it won't really work out. _

_I became the other one; the third one. The woman in the shadows whom people ignore to her name, to her existence at times. It wasn't an affair but a very complicated love story, that I am sure of. There were feelings involved, and many other things. Constance simply couldn't give up all the rest, what she had already built. _

_I would lie if I told you that I didn't hold hopes. It was only human, after all. As much as she kept on saying she couldn't, a part of me was convinced that at some point, we would be able to live it out in the open. Freely. One would do anything for love. I did._

_Secret rendez-vous – last-minute getaways – and the latent fear to cross an acquaintance when we walked together in the streets. I won't lie. At the beginning, the situation sounded exciting. But soon enough it took us in a suffocating whirl: unable to put an end to it, no mattered reality. _

_It was a dead-end relationship._

_She started a sentence, I could easily finish it. A mere gaze was enough to understand what the other meant. Her hand fit mine. Naturally; with a bare logic. How many times did I smile in her neck just to push back the veil of tears that kept on blinding me... Tied to a deluded happiness, we were suffering. _

_Some people say that there is nothing more beautiful than a prohibited love. I beg to disagree._

_Her husband found out about us and all of a sudden, I was alone. With nothing left but the bitterness of not having been able to protect myself from whatever my heart wanted. I didn't cry a single tear, though. Instead, I took a few resolutions and decided to stick to them._

_I was twenty-nine years old. Time to turn a page and become someone else. We learn from our mistakes._

…

And sneeze. Without breaking eye-contact with the file she was reading, Maura grabbed her bag that she had previously abandoned by her desk and went for a tissue. Her fingers slid on a rectangular, firm object; thin. She took it out and lost contact with reality.

"_Here's my number. Call me..._

_Jane"_

She had found the card on the pillow next to her in the morning as she had woken up. Jane – the girl she had taken home from the bar – had left, leaving a note. For a moment, Maura had stared at the card and analyzed her feelings. For the very first time, the roles had been reversed and she had been the one waking up alone the next morning. Odd sensation.

Late for work, she had abandoned the note in her bag then rushed to the police station only to forget it as soon as the boiling effervescence of the case had wrapped up her brain. And there she was, now. Into a reality she had managed to put aside for long hours.

Her fingertip brushed the handwriting. Would she give it a try and call the girl? For the first time in a while, she was having doubts. _For Christ's sake... Her name is Jane, Maura. Don't do that. _Jane...

"Hey, Maur'..."

The honey blonde jumped as her friend's voice filled the space of her office. Very quickly, she hid the card under a pile of papers and smiled brightly. She hadn't even heard Jane come in, lost as she had been in her thoughts. She was losing it.

"Jane..."

Sitting on the edge of the desk, the detective grabbed a pen and began to play with it. She always did that; always needed to have something in her hands when she came there to talk with her friend. Maura saw it as a sign of nervousness – probably because of the symbolical aspect of the place. As much as Jane seemed to do okay with dead bodies, being so close to death wasn't easy.

"Dirty Robber at 7pm. The guys should come too, you're in?"

Enthusiastically, Maura nodded and was about to reply when her eyes caught the clock on the wall. She swallowed hard – froze – and widened her eyes. The reaction didn't pass unnoticed to Jane.

"What's happening? What is it with the panic face?"

Standing up suddenly, Maura looked around and hurried to grab her coat by the door of her office. She turned around to apologize and explain herself if only very quickly.

"I'm late! … Late, late, late, late... I didn't pay attention to the time and oh my... I'm supposed to have lunch in fifteen minutes on the other side of town and..."

Obviously surprised, Jane frowned and cleared her voice. She looked uncomfortable.

"A date?"

Putting her gloves on, Maura shrugged then shook her head.

"An old friend of mine... A professor, to be more exact."

The detective put back the pen on the desk and bit her lower lip. As much as Maura's private life was not really any of her business, she couldn't help but ask; given the circumstances, the case of Meredith Banks.

"Is it related to the investigation?"

She knew that Maura had gone to the same college; the same school of medicine. But they had already interviewed the student's professors and nothing had showed up from it. Maura made a face, uncertain.

"I don't know... Anyway, I'm late. I'm sorry!"

She was about to pass the door when Jane called her back. The detective was holding Maura's bag; like a piece of evidence of a lost object. The honey blonde rushed to grab it.

"7pm at the Dirty Robber, okay? I might be out and around in the afternoon so call me if you need me."

Completely hyped, Maura nodded – took her bag – and planted a light kiss on her friend's cheek before leaving; replying with a gesture of the hand by the affirmative to Jane's last question whether she could check the medical file of Meredith Banks one more time. The file Maura had been reading until now and that was still wide open on the desk.

Amused by her friend's sudden exit, the dark-haired woman went to sit behind the large desk and grabbed the file. Something fell on her lap; something light. Immediately, Jane looked down picked up what looked like a card. Had someone sent flowers to Maura here recently? A brief glance at the office and she didn't see any bouquet around.

"_Here's my number. Call me..._

_Jane"_

Of course, Maura could have her life and not confess her everything but Jane felt uncomfortable before the fact a woman she had never heard about let her phone number to her friend. Unless it was for the investigation but in this case, the medical examiner always told her about her moves.

Perplexed and out of automatism, Jane turned the card around. It came from a bar, downtown Boston. A bar she had never heard about, even less gone to.

"The 3W Cafe..."

Out in the air, her tone of voice sounded as perplexed and confused as her face looked like. And then she froze – utterly lost – as her eyes stopped on the small underline under the name of the bar.

"_3W – Woman With Woman"_


	10. Barbara

**Chapter ten: Barbara**

_Her name was Barbara. She had curly blond hair and hazel eyes. I don't know why I went for her and not any other one. Attraction to one person can be tough to explain or understand. _

_Sometimes, it just happens and you accept it or not. I did._

_She was dancing alone in the middle of the crowd. I approached her – smiled – and soon enough our bodies were brushing each other in subtle foreplay under the nightclub spotlight. _

_There is nothing easier than to seduce someone like that; nothing more direct and somehow coward. It won't be about sentiments and desires of a future together. Just the quickest way to feel someone's heat on you and the hypnotizing release of hormones once you are done. It is bare – a tad frustrating – but it does the job. If only for the primary aspect of it. As for the rest, you learn how to ignore it._

_She lived in a small apartment and had a cat named Mister Brown. As we entered the living-room, he came to brush himself against my ankles. Was he used to it? These night strangers who stopped by and never came back after? I pushed everything aside and played along. _

_For a few seconds, I thought about Anastasia, Margaret, Leah, Emily. Constance. As my memory tried to fix itself on her, I swept it away with a glass of wine and followed Barbara to her bedroom. _

_Some people are lucky in love. Others aren't. It's a fact. The only thing we can do is to adapt ourselves according to the category we belong to. I'm from the second one. I don't try to escape from anything, I mean I don't think so. It just works better that way around. _

_Nobody is hurt. Everyone is satisfied and life goes on. We go on. _

_Barbara was pretty and gentle. Her kisses melted in caresses and it didn't take me long to relax, to fully abandon myself to her arms. I'm good at choosing them; choosing one-night stands. It's only when all these feelings are involved that I make mistakes. I'm terrible when I have to deal with them._

_She asked me if I had a girlfriend. What kind of difference would have it made? We were already on her bed, wearing nothing but our underwear. Wasn't it a bit late? _

_I just needed her flesh against mine if only for a couple of hours. I didn't want anything else. I knew it would make me feel alive; comfortingly. She brought all that to me. Did it make me happy? Maybe, I'm not sure. But I felt relieved._

_I was thirty-one years old. She was around the same age. I already knew Jane._

...

The door of the pub opened and Maura entered; her stilettos resounding loud against the floor, with that self-confidence that never passed unnoticed. Waiting for her beer at the counter, Jane looked at this woman she considered as her best friend and swallowed hard.

"Doctor Isles... I wonder if she's seeing anyone. I heard she wasn't bad. Anyway, she can call me anytime."

The young officer's laugh stopped immediately as Jane turned around and looked at him angrily. In a complete silence – keeping a low profile – the young man left for a table with the colleague his remark had been directed to.

There was no doubt men assumed that Maura was straight. She had even dated a few of them at the office rather openly even if it hadn't lasted for very long. Could she...

Jane frowned. As if her confusion were not enough, she now felt ashamed as well. After having found the mysterious card on her friend's desk, she had made some research on the web. First about the woman. With her phone number, it hadn't been too complicated to find her address and her workplace. She worked for a publishing house in Boston. Not really a thrilling discovery if Jane had to be honest. Then – and even though it didn't take much to get what kind of bar _The 3W Cafe _could be – she had typed the name and went through the official site.

It could mean so many things in the end. Not necessarily...

Maura had this gift to meet people and talk to them rather easily; no mattered she didn't believe it herself. Her eloquence was such that she could get pretty much anything from anyone. _And I don't even mention her freaking interests. _Perhaps she had met that woman – Jane – at the supermarket or in some art gallery. They had started talking and all of a sudden Maura had been interested in something related to books. Unless she was simply looking for a special one; a special edition. After all, the medical examiner loved reading and the collection she had in her bedroom was quite impressive.

Yes. It had to be that. An acquisition. A very rare purchase that only a publisher could get her. The woman had wanted to leave her a phone number and for not having any paper around, she had grabbed the first thing from her bag and it had turned out to be the card.

Easy. Simple. Logical.

Or not.

_She would have told me if she were... We're friends, dammit. Of course, she would have told me about it. And right from the beginning._

"Hi, Maur'. Here's your _Cabinet._"

As she reached the counter and looked down at the glass of wine Jane had made slide towards her, the honey blonde frowned then smiled apologetically.

"A _Cabernet_. It's a _Cabernet Sauvignon_, Jane."

The detective rolled her eyes, nodded and beer in hand, she headed towards the table where Frost and Korsak were waiting.

"Whatever."

Both women invaded the unoccupied booth to finally face their colleagues who immediately stopped talking as if they had been caught in the middle of something. Jane laughed at their reaction, took a sip of her beer before rising a mischievous eyebrow.

"What were you talking about that we pushed you to stop like that?"

Frost swept away the question with a gesture of the hand but Korsak gave in with his typical carefree attitude that made his colleague grow uncomfortable immediately.

"Striptease. This young man was telling me that he had never been to a strip club, before."

Perplexed before the way both men had come to talk about striptease considering a minute earlier they were still talking about the case, Jane made a face. Maura on the other end – and pretty much as usual – didn't lose herself in the same kind of analysis at all.

"How come you've never been to one?"

The blonde took a sip of her wine while looking innocently at Frost on the other side of the table. She seemed to be perfectly calm; at ease. It didn't surprise Jane the least.

"Why everyone doesn't go to a strip club, Maura..."

_Has she herself ever been to one? _Jane shook her head to sweep away the thought. She should have never investigated on her friend's personal life. It was a high betrayal and now she was paying it for having learned absolutely nothing; except everything was mixed. What a mess had she put herself in.

"No but it is well-known that men appreciate visual stimulation when women tend to be more in touches; and caresses. Or kisses... Besides, some of these girls are excellent dancers as well."

Truth to be told, Jane loved when her friend gave into such reaction. Openly, out loud. Maura owned this capacity to put conventionalism aside to say what she thought yet sticking to a Cartesian way of advancing her arguments. As if science had melted in her manner of speaking to create an odd, singular behavior.

"... Okay... Could we now talk about something else than half-naked ballet dancers, please? I haven't had dinner yet."

Maura smirked but implicitly agreed and very soon the conversation focused on some random subjects. After her second pint of beer, Jane quietly observed her friend. The honey blonde was in full talk with both men about some action movie they had all watched during the week.

_She's my friend. She would have told me. She couldn't hide a part of her from me. _Growing out of frustration, Jane bit the inside of her lip and sighed rather loudly. _Let it go, Rizzoli. _

She did. Pushing all these questions aside, the detective gave back into life. That life; this routine she loved more than anything. A dinner between friends around a few beers. Laughing, arguing. That was what she had to go for and certainly not a series of hypothesis. Ridiculous ones, besides.

So she enjoyed the rest of the evening as she always did when Maura was around.

Easy. Simple. Logical.


	11. Vivian

**Chapter eleven: Vivian**

_Her name was Vivian. A honey blonde with a mischievous gaze; a tempting smile I couldn't help but stare as she kept on talking to me. Her lips were perfect, mesmerizing. We conversed for over an hour and during all that time, I only thought about the moment when we would kiss. When our lips would go and lock in a tantalizing – intimate – way. One captures so much more through a kiss. So much more than mere lips. _

_Some civilizations used to say that the mouth was the entrance to the secret path that led to one's soul. There might be something like that._

_She lived in a beautiful townhouse that overlooked a private garden. It reminded me of London and its quiet mews. Large windows opening to centenarian trees and a million flowers. I remember her reflect in one of these windows as I had been observing the garden in silence. She was standing behind me, a glass of white wine in hand. _

_I have no idea what her occupation was. I never asked. I know that this kind of behavior would shock a few people around; even myself perhaps, in other circumstances. It is just a matter of decisions; of very personal ones. _

_And in the end, nobody else but you can really understand. _

_We didn't make it to her bedroom. Her hand slid on my waist and all of a sudden, a strong desire went to wrap us up through bold caresses. We undressed there and had sex in the living-room. How weird. I almost said 'made love'. It is stupid. There were absolutely no feeling involved._

_We spent a long time by her fireplace, staring in silence at the flames dancing before our eyes; its heat embracing our bare flesh. I am sure that we could have found any subject of conversation but I guess none of us felt like talking, that night. _

_Then all of a sudden, her voice slid along my nape, spreading an odd sensation to my whole body. _

"_What am I for you?"_

_A flame died in the fireplace. The smallest one. The most fragile. The one nobody had noticed but me. While I stared in silence at the burnt piece of wood that once had lit up and warmed my skin, I rose a dubious eyebrow then shrugged._

"_An escape."_

_Her lips brushed my naked shoulder through a stolen kiss as she sat in my back and wrapped her arms around me. I locked my eyes with hers but didn't need to ask out loud. She understood and replied quite immediately._

"_A relief."_

_An escape versus a relief. _

_We might have been closer than what we were thinking. _

_I was thirty-two years old. I would say that she was a bit older. One learns so much about oneself through a complete stranger._

…

She was joyfully listening to Jane telling some unbelievable story when the world stopped turning; if only in her head as her heart froze. Sure Boston wasn't the biggest city of the country but what was the probability to meet someone you were not supposed to see ever again? As she stopped walking without any warning, Maura clenched her plastic cup of tea and swallowed hard. Perplexed, the detective stopped as well then observed the scene.

The honey blonde was facing a young woman – blond, a short bob – whose smile was lighting up some graceful features.

"Maura, what a surprise!"

Without waiting for any reaction from the medical examiner, the woman leaned over to plant a warm kiss on her interlocutor's cheek then looked up and squinted her eyes as she saw Jane. Not bothered the least, she tended her hand to the detective.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Jane."

The detective's first reaction turned out to smile at the coincidence then something happened in her head. The card. The woman she had searched about on the web. Could it be that Jane? As if nothing had happened, she tended her hand and shook the blonde's; casting a furtive glance at Maura who was smiling rather peacefully. _See. If it's her, if it's the Jane from the card, there was nothing to wonder about._

"How are you doing? It's been a while."

Both women talked for a few minutes about random facts. Jane didn't say much and preferred to study the scene; observe her friend's reaction. Then naturally enough they said goodbye and went out in the street leaving the coffee store behind.

"So you have another Jane in your life?"

Maura didn't miss – for once – the light tone of voice of her friend and taking a sip of her tea while pushing the doors of the police station, she shrugged; then winked.

"You're the only Jane who has importance to my eyes."

As if the complex case of Meredith Banks weren't enough, nothing else came up – not a single murder – which only highlighted the general incapacity to solve the mysterious crime in spite of the focus on it. It was frustrating. From a witness to another, the pieces of information were bare. Pointless.

Back to her desk, Jane looked up at Korsak – made a face – then shook her head. For an hour, they had held hopes about a girl Meredith had studied with but as for the other ones, it had turned out negative. Meredith Banks was a complete mystery: good student, quiet but no friend at all. Not the mere relation to anyone. This case was a dead-end.

Out of boredom and frustration, Jane decided to go down and see Maura. A break was gladly welcome, especially if the honey blonde was around. Through the years, Maura had turned into an essential part of Jane's life and a few hours far from each other turned out to be hard to deal with.

The doors of the elevator opened and Jane went down the hallway that led to the autopsy room. The lights were on so her friend was probably around. But as she reached the large room, she faced nothing but emptiness.

Jane was about to ask someone when she heard murmurs coming from the medical examiner's office. Somehow reassured, the detective crossed the short distance that separated her from the room but stopped suddenly.

Maura wasn't alone. Sat on the edge of her desk, she was in full talk with some woman Jane had never met. In her fifties; elegant, rather classic.

Suddenly, both women saw the detective. Maura's interlocutor planted a soft kiss on the blonde's cheek – her hand squeezing gently her forearm. She left the office, nodded at Jane then disappeared towards the elevator.

"Sorry to interrupt."

Maura swept away with a gesture of the hand her friend's remark. She looked tensed as much as a huge smile was lighting up her features.

"You didn't. Margaret had to leave, anyway... Coffee break? I wouldn't say no to a muffin."

And without waiting for any reaction from Jane, Maura left her office; heading down the hallway to the elevators in silence.


	12. Lisa

_**Author's note: thank you very much for the reviews, and all the ones I can't reply to through private messages. **_

_**...**_

**Chapter twelve: Lisa.**

_Her name was Lisa. She had very long auburn hair and gray eyes. There was something special in her smile; as if an old pain had melted into something bittersweet. It made all her charm. _

_A golden bracelet caught my attention first as the spotlight made it shine brightly. She was drinking a cocktail by the bar. Alone. I never go for women who didn't come by themselves. I am unable to do that. I know it is kind of coward but it is part of who I am. Besides, it is easier to guess the reason why one single soul came to a nightclub when others might not be looking for the same kind of thing. _

_I offered her another drink and we began to talk. She was new in town and didn't know anyone but her colleagues. She came from Portland, Oregon. I never got to know why she had landed here in Boston; a work promotion or something more personal. _

_She lived in a very modern duplex and by the amount of sketches around, I ended up assuming that she was an architect. _

_Her golden bracelet moved along her wrist like a sensual caress, embracing her skin softly. Her hands were thin, delicate. She was extremely feminine. _

_Retrospectively, I think I don't have a specific type although most of the women I have been intimate with looked like me somehow. A pair of expensive stilettos, haute-couture dress and a certain sense of fashion that is hardly undeniable. But it is more an instinct, some kind of feeling I have when for the very first time my eyes stop on someone._

_Lisa was nice and gentle. Exactly what I needed that night. Her bedroom had immense windows that overlooked downtown Boston. I remember all these lights lost in the darkness of the night, spreading to our feet in a magic way. _

_One of the best views I have had of the city so far._

"_I like you..."_

_A confession through half-words while I was holding her in my arms and that we were both observing Boston by the windows; from her bed. Her words had slid softly on her lips before floating in the air with a wrongness I wasn't used to. _

_She wasn't supposed to say that. Not because we had only met a few hours earlier but because it wasn't the plan. Or at least mine. No feelings involved, never. It is better like that; safer. _

_I didn't reply and hated myself for doing so. It was cruel from me. She was sweet, attractive and smart. Let's face it, if I had chosen her... There was a reason why. But I just can't let it happen. Not anymore. Besides, it would be vain. My heart belongs to Jane._

_I was thirty-three years old. I think she was a tad younger. Sometimes, I wonder what became of her._

…

The honey blonde's hand slid on the leather small book as she smiled warmly at the waitress.

"This is on me."

She heard Jane scoff and turned around to look at her friend as she tended her credit card to the young waitress who was still standing by.

"Maura!"

It had been completely improvised and she loved that. Her, the control freak, giving in unplanned and very last-minute evenings. She had learned how to appreciate them by Jane's side as the years had been passing by. People from her past would have said that she had changed a lot. She was more relaxed.

Jane had accepted the invitation to the restaurant immediately, not even asking whether she had to go rather dressy or could remain in her work clothes. She had seemed happy about Maura's offer and the dinner had gone really smoothly.

As they both passed the doors of the restaurant and found themselves in the street, quiet snow flakes welcomed them. Maura grabbed Jane's arm; holding on it softly.

"Let's walk for a change."

They weren't far from the detective's apartment and truth to be told, the honey blonde didn't want it to come to an end. Never. They had talked, laughed; teased each other. Things came so naturally between them that it hurt. _Because it's all vain, Maura. And you know it more than anyone else._

"I will have to tell Angela about the restaurant when I come back home. It was a really nice one."

Jane repressed a sigh of frustration then rolled her eyes dramatically. For a few seconds, she stared at a snow flake melt on the back of her hand. Quietly.

"I don't even know how you can live with her being so close to you all the time. How come she hasn't driven you crazy yet? My mother is one hell of a torture for one's nerves."

Maura laughed lightly then shrugged. She liked having Angela around. They got along and somehow, the woman brought her what she had always lacked; that sentiment of belonging somewhere, to a clan.

"She surely has her opinions but our evening talks can be quite nice..."

Jane shook her head; laughed.

"Wait for the day she will try to make you date the whole neighborhood in the only hope to get grandchildren. And then we'll talk. You heard about the last one? She's trying to set me up with Giovanni's cousin, Mario. He's twenty-two years old."

Maura bit her lower lip in an attempt to restrain a laugh. Jane was right. Angela had told her about her plan. The age difference didn't seem to be a real problem to her eyes, obviously. Even less the fact he hadn't moved yet to Boston and was – for the moment – in California.

They reached Jane's apartment and stopped. _Why does it always have to go so fast?_

"Anyway, it's not like it's going to work out."

Was it bitterness in Jane's last remark? Maura frowned and swallowed hard before allowing a smile to embrace her lips reassuringly. She grabbed her friend's hand; held it tight.

"Oh, come on... You will find someone."

The detective laughed away her reply and focused on a point on the other side of the street. The least we could say was that she didn't look convinced at all by such comment.

"Allow me to have some doubts about that."

Their eyes locked with each other's and for long seconds, none of them dared to speak. Jane rarely gave in such confession; she almost never talked about her feelings. A car passed behind them, swallowing the quietness of the street swept away by the snow flakes.

Maura swallowed hard. Her fingers gently caressing her friend's cheek; icy skin on another one. But soft and inviting.

"Don't say that... You're smart; and beautiful..."

Jane shook her head. Her eyes were shiny now. _Is she about to cry? Why?_

Maura's voice resounded softly in the night; with a delicate sincerity, carried away by the snow falling from the sky.

"You're beautiful..."

Even years later, she wouldn't be able to explain what happened next, why she did that. It came out of the blue, from a very secret part of her heart. The blonde leaned over. Their lips brushed – softly – in the middle of the quiet night. A chaste kiss except Maura lost herself in it and made it last.

An alarm set off somewhere in the distance and reality hit her back. Panicked, she avoided Jane's gaze as she made a step backwards and swallowed hard.

"Goodnight..."

In a mumble of vague apologies, she turned around – headed to her car – started the engine then left.

At no moment did she dare to look behind at her friend. Her heart was beating loud – her mouth was dry – and her hands couldn't stop shaking as little by little, realization was kicking in.

Red light. She stopped. Then burst into tears.

Why had she had to do that?


	13. Jamie

**Chapter thirteen: Jamie**

_Her name was Jamie. She had very dark hair – very long – and a huge tattoo on her back in honor of a Greek divinity. In spite of her stilettos, she was quite short but everyone noticed her. She owned this natural presence – this gift – to never pass unnoticed, no matters what. _

_I remember her hair brushing her lower back – her hips – as she was dancing with sensuality right before my eyes. It was hypnotizing. Sexy. I am still not sure why I approached her. In all honesty, I had assumed that she wouldn't be interested in me. Seducing is an easy game but it all depends on whom your prey is. Jamie didn't belong to my category. But for once, I didn't think too much about it and just went for her. _

_She drove a fast car and lived in a beautiful, renovated townhouse. There were small boots by the large entrance. I didn't ask about them; didn't ask if she had a child. I don't want to get details by then. It is not the right moment, the appropriate situation. The only thing sure is that the house was empty. There was nobody but us. _

_She kissed my wrist, went up slowly to my lips. It was a very lustful night; well needed. I had had a very tough week and had argued with Jane. Jamie allowed me to release my frustration._

_What I have always preferred with women is their hair and how it gently caresses you as their hands and lips discover your body. There is something so sensual about it. So exciting. The way it moves around and brushes your skin. This is what I remember the most about Jamie._

_Once we were done, I observed her tattoo with attention. My fingertips followed the lines of the ink; the way it moved under her breath. _

"_Do you like it?"_

_Laid on her stomach, she turned her head around and looked at me. Those eyes... The curves of her body... I had rarely been more attracted to someone; pure attraction, I mean. Purely sexual. I bit my lower lip then slowly traced a path of kisses down her back._

"_I do..."_

_I was thirty-four years old. She was around the same age. The very next day, I had a hard time facing Jane._

…

Taping nervously on the file with her fingers, Maura made a face. She had had the worst night of her life. She had made it back to her place completely panicked: why had she kissed Jane? But as the hours had passed by, she had finally relaxed. Thanks to rational facts.

That kiss hadn't lasted as long as she had imagined. For Jane, it meant absolutely nothing. Just because she had other kinds of feelings she had interpreted reality very differently. And that was it. Nothing had happened. Nothing at all. She was sure of it.

Although now that she was supposed to bring her friend a document concerning the case of Meredith Banks and so face her for the first time since the evening before, her certainty had strangely disappeared. _What if... Don't be ridiculous, Maura. You're an adult? Fine, prove it. Now._

She took a deep breath, stood up – grabbed the sheet of paper – and headed to the elevator. Everything would go fine. Perfectly fine.

"Hi, Maur'..."

As the honey blonde passed the door of the large office, Jane barely gave her a smile and accepted in silence the document. Obviously, something was wrong. Had she arrived at the wrong moment? The only positive thing in all of this was that it didn't seem related to her. Nor to that shameful kiss.

"Is everything alright?"

Jane shook her head impatiently and looked how Korsak had approached them, mug of coffee in hand. Was it defeat in his eyes? Maura wasn't sure. She bit the inside of her mouth while desperately waiting for an explanation.

"You remember how we had found out that Meredith used to _see _some girls? Like in secret..."

Swallowing hard, Maura nodded in silence. This was surely something she wouldn't be able to forget soon if only at all. Before Jane's impatience, Korsak sighed loudly and completed her friend's remarks.

"Well, we didn't get to find anything conclusive about it so here we are now with a cold case between our hands. On to the next one."

It came out of the blue, boiling in her lower stomach before rushing through her veins and melting into a cold, deep anger. Shaking, Maura clenched her fists and shook her head.

"How dare you?"

Frost called Korsak who left the conversation. Perplexed before her friend's reaction, Jane frowned and shrugged.

"What? I didn't ask for that. Cavanaugh assumed we had spent enough time on it. If it all depended on me and only me, we..."

Maura didn't give her time to finish her sentence. Without waiting for more, the medical examiner turned on her heels and left the office.

By the time she reached the autopsy room, Maura was breathing heavily. Something hurt in her throat as if she were on the verge of bursting into tears. She was angry. Yet for the wrong reasons. But she just couldn't help it.

"What was that?"

Jane's voice in her back made her jump of surprise. Turning around to face her friend, the blonde rose her eyebrows with a fake innocence then shrugged.

"I don't know what you are talking about."

The detective scoffed; rolled her eyes. Had they reached a sudden point of no return or it was just a way frustration had found to get released in the end? Both knew very well but kept on pretending. It was an easier game to play. Very slowly – and as she was getting composure again – Jane approached Maura. She looked worried, sincerely lost as well.

"What's happening to you, Maura? I... I don't understand. This behavior. All of a sudden you go all secretive on me – with that... Jane, and the other women like the one who came here the other day – and now that. It's not the first time we have to face a cold case. Yet you've never gone all fuss about it like you are now. What the hell is wrong with you?"

She felt like shouting 'nothing' and was actually planning on doing so but as she opened her mouth to reply and close the conversation she didn't like the least, a whole different remark came up.

Unexpectedly.

All by itself.

"Can't you see it? Damn, Jane... This girl is me! Meredith is me! She is my exact replica, for god's sake! We can't let her down like that. Or at least I can't. I can't do that."

If the confession took them both by surprise, Jane looked the most confused. A few seconds passed by during which the detective tried to analyze the whole thing. Calmly.

"Maur', she isn't you. Sure there are some coincidences like you went to the same college to study the same thing and you both didn't have a lot of friends but that's it. The comparison isn't that big."

It didn't reassure nor calm the blonde at all. On the contrary. Grabbing the file of the case, Maura leafed through it. Shaking her head uncontrollably.

"This girl is me. Every single point, it's me: lonely child, bright student, forensics, lack of friends..."

Jane rolled her eyes. It made absolutely no sense. As much as she was sorry that her friend had lost herself into such assumption, she found the whole point ridiculous.

"And the girls? You date girls in secret like Meredith Banks, perhaps?"

Then it all stopped. Suddenly. How strange it is that silence can mean so much, so easily. Jane realized what she had just said. Maura didn't reply. She plunged her desperate gaze in her friend's confused one; swallowing back the wave of tears that were asking for nothing but to come out. It only lasted a couple of seconds but for both of them, time seemed to have frozen irremediably.

"Hey, Rizzoli... We gotta go."

As Korsak entered the autopsy room without any warning, Maura turned her back at him; if only to hide the distress that had invaded her features. She didn't want anyone to see her like that. Too personal and hard.

If the man sensed that he had interrupted something, he didn't excuse himself nor ask for details. Bad timing anyway. Things were also happening somewhere else.

"We're called on the campus right now. It's related to Meredith Banks."

Unable to properly talk, Jane nodded slowly then stared at Maura's back. She couldn't leave now yet she had no other choice. Ashamed and uncomfortable, she looked down at her feet then cleared her voice.

"I have to go, now."

Within a few seconds, the autopsy room found back its usual quietness; its bare coldness. Heavy loneliness. Tears running down her cheeks, Maura looked around; defeated.


	14. Sabine

**_Author's note: thank you very much for the reviews!_  
**

**_..._**

**Chapter fourteen: Sabine**

_Her name was Sabine. She had wavy brown hair and green eyes, dark ones. She turned out to be the one who offered me a drink. It had never happened before. Usually, I control it from the very beginning to the end. I need to. A Martini landed before my eyes and as I turned around, I fell for her smile. _

_She was on her own at the other end of the bar counter, sipping on a Margarita. She was cute, seemed rather nice. I grabbed the glass and went to sit by her side._

_The art of seduction is very different with women. You don't need to talk – laugh almost genuinely – or play the role of the one looking for protection; that stupid idea that comforts men. There is something more direct with women. A smile, fingers that slowly go and caress the back of a hand... It is warm and peaceful. A lot easier._

_Her apartment was small but rather cozy. I remember the books – all around – in every corner. There were a lot of poetry anthologies among them. I went through the titles very quickly as she poured me a glass of champagne. _

_Sometimes, I regret the ephemeral side of these encounters. We are all worth a lot more than a night, a pure sexual act. It all remains superficial and as much as it has its advantages, I know that I miss a lot on their personality. But I prefer not to think too much about it. I could end up regretting everything._

_As I left Sabine's place early in the morning, another woman stepped out in the street from the house next door. For a few seconds, we looked at each other in silence. None of us had slept much; a wave of guilt embracing our features. Without a single word, we both headed to our cars and left. She probably went home as well. Maybe to someone else. For my part, I only found back the emptiness of my house._

_There is something satisfying when I finally feel the warmth of my duvet over my body as I slip in bed and close my eyes. I know the smell of the pillow, the way the sheet rustle against me. It is the only place where I feel fine, where I don't feel the need to pretend anything. _

_And when Jane is there, I know what it is to feel happy._

_Sabine was twenty-seven. She told me so. I was thirty-five years old. Time flies by and all of a sudden, you feel too old._

…

"What did the nurse tell you? Every two hours? I am a medical doctor. Take a pill every hour for the next five hours then reduce the dose, even if the pain is still here or else your body will get used to them and you will have to face withdrawal symptoms very soon. Do you know that painkillers were..."

Jane put her plastic cup back on the table and planted her dark eyes into her friend's ones. Calmly. She knew Maura way too well to ignore that the blonde was just trying to fill in and avoid the awkwardness of their face-to-face. Things had taken a very upside down direction for the past few hours.

First the bomb of Maura's explicit silence over her question whether she dated women, then the ride to the campus where they had had to face a young student gun in hand. He had taken his girlfriend as a hostage; a girl Meredith Banks had dated. When he had learned it, he had decided to take his revenge.

He had raped Meredith then released his frustration on her, beating her to death. She was gone for an act of jealousy and nothing else. _Love can kill... _Jane passed a hand over the tape on her arm. She had got shot in the process. More fear than real harm but still, it hurt like hell.

"Have you always known?"

Her hoarse voice resounded low in the half-empty cafeteria of the hospital. Maura stopped her random talk immediately and finally dared to look at her friend. She had rushed in as soon as she had got told that Jane had been shot. Pushing all the rest aside, she had wanted to be there. Except now her friend had got released and the moment she had always dreaded the most had come up. What an incongruous place; so impersonal. _Not planned at all._

"I suppose so, yes..."

Of course she knew what Jane was alluding to and for once, she decided to not play the ingenue. It was not the right time for that. She had to face it all. And then...

"It's different, right? With men."

Jane looked embarrassed to ask. Not because she was addressing Maura but because she felt stupid. A whole series of cliched questions was dancing around in her head and she needed to get them out. If only to understand.

"I mean, you date men... Don't you?"

Of course, she did. She had seen it herself. Jane blushed at the ridiculousness of her question but saw her friend smile softly for the first time. Perhaps it wasn't going that bad.

"I do."

Maura's heart was beating loud in her chest. She wasn't used to this kind of situations when she had to explain herself; her very inner self. It was intimidating.

"The difference lies in this... Subconscious fluidity. It comes more naturally with women."

Jane nodded then realized that she had been playing nervously with her plastic spoon all along. Could she not simply face facts and situations without always hiding herself and her emotions behind some game? Frustrated, she swallowed hard then put down the spoon before biting her lower lip.

"Do you prefer men over women?"

Unless it was fifty-fifty. Damn she hated herself for such ridiculous assumptions. She wasn't good at all right now. She wasn't being a good friend. Maura made a face and shrugged.

"It is pretty much the opposite, actually. I date both but I prefer women nonetheless."

As she opened her mouth to reply, Jane realized that she had no constructive comment to make. Yet it wasn't satisfying at all. On the contrary, the whole conversation was too neat to not be frustrating. So without thinking it twice, she let go of everything.

"Damn, Maura... I hate all that. Look at me, asking you question after question as if you were at a trial. I am being unfair to you and yet, do I really have a choice? I mean... I thought I was your friend, your best friend. Your confident. How could you hide this from me? This is a whole part of you; a whole part of whom you are... Don't you rely on me enough to tell me that?"

As tears of distress filled Jane's eyes, an odd reality hit suddenly Maura. She had never thought about the situation that way around. At no moment had she assumed that her friend could feel in the way and less loved somehow. Less trusted. Panicked – confused – she simply bit her lower lip and shook her head.

"I... I... I was afraid that it would change it all; that it would be different if I told you so. And... You are my friend, Jane. My only friend. I trust you more than anyone yet I am terribly afraid to ever lose you. It seemed possible that it would have happened if I had told you... You know. It could have changed our relation and I can't afford to lose you. At any price. I... I... I need you by my side. It... It isn't easy..."

Her voice broke as something painful crushed her throat. She swallowed hard – staring at Jane through a veil of burning tears.

"I never said it to anyone..."

The whispered confession came to die in the quietness of the large room. As the blonde burst suddenly into tears, Jane took her words in realization. The weight of silence, the taste of guilt and the oppressive sensation of fearing to be. Just that. To be. Maura hadn't chosen anything in all of this yet she had had to deal with it; on her own.

Within a few seconds, Jane took her friend in her arms and held her tight. Perhaps she could have said something but truth to be told, words weren't needed now.


	15. Madeline

**Chapter fifteen: Madeline**

_Her name was Madeline. She had long blond hair and very pale blue eyes. She looked like a doll, in all its delicacy. A beautiful fragility. The first thing I saw turned out to be her earrings. Emeralds that shone in the darkness of the bar. She looked shy - alone at her table - deeply lacking self-confidence. It boosted mine and almost immediately, I went to sit by her side._

_Sometimes I wonder what people who think they know me would say if they saw me in such situation. All this flirtation – so obvious – and the brief yet present signs that I am looking for more than a mere talk. Do people see me like that already? What would they say – how would they react – if they saw me pass a hand on some girl's lower back before capturing her lips in a long, deep kiss? _

_Because this is who I am. Let's face it. I sleep with women. I like it. And I know for a fact that most of people don't even assume the slightest thing about this part of my life._

_Madeline was living in a very wealthy area. For a moment, I wonder if she weren't still living at her parents' for the house looking a lot like the one my parents' friends used to own. But as we entered, it seemed obvious that she was not. The design was minimalist – very modern – and all around, signs of her celibacy. Yet something didn't work. Something didn't fit in._

"_What were you doing in this club, downtown?"_

_She smiled at my question and shrugged, getting rid of her stilettos on the hardwood floor of the large kitchen._

"_I needed a change. I needed to try something new."_

_For a few seconds, I wondered if she was talking about the bar or the same-sex relation we were about to have. _

_It stopped me a little bit. Until then, I had only known women who already had experience. Of course I had nothing against the idea of a novice but for a one-night stand, it is better to stick to some woman who knows what she wants; and what you like. _

_What happened next proved me that it wasn't her first time. Or if so, she was quite talented to say the least. And not inhibited._

_I arrived home quite late. Jane was waiting for me. She had decided to stop by, unexpectedly. She did not ask for the slightest thing._

_I was thirty-six years old. Madeline was younger, I would say. I felt tired and empty after it. Immensely lonely._

…_  
_

Closing her eyes, she focused on her sensations; the way her hair was floating on the surface while a wave of warmth had wrapped up her body. The world had suddenly turned quiet – muffled – if only for the beats of her heart, so loud against her temples.

She counted until thirty then went back to the surface. Mouth wide open. Water embracing her face as she stared at an invisible point straight in front of her.

She had always been told that it was a dangerous game. Holding her breath in her bath while plunging in the water could be fatal. But she couldn't care less. She loved the sensations it brought.

A peaceful instant in a busy existence.

She had assumed that things would change between Jane and her since their talk at the cafeteria of the hospital but the days were slowly going by and Maura had to come to the conclusion that life had just gone on. As if nothing had happened. Perhaps she had overestimated the weight of such a thing.

She wasn't straight and so what? It was only a detail in her life.

The case of Meredith Banks had finally got closed and that dark – oppressive – clouds that had floated above their heads had finally disappeared. The worst was behind, now. She hoped so.

After a while, the honey blonde left the warmness of her bath and went down to the kitchen for some tea.

She had just poured herself a mug of the hot beverage when the backdoor of her house flew opened. A quick glance and Maura smiled as Angela stepped in. The woman was holding a small parcel. A book format in a brown wrapping paper.

"You aren't out, tonight? I was going to leave this on the counter. It is for you. A young woman brought it, today. But you weren't here so I took it for you."

Shaking her head at the first part of Angela's speech, Maura frowned – curious – and accepted the small package; observing it for a few seconds.

"It is snowing hard and to be honest, I didn't feel like going out. I have been tired, lately. An evening at home is all I need."

Jane's mother nodded, not really convinced. For having shared Maura's house for a while now, she did know how the weather didn't prevent the blonde from going out; nor coming back late. Very late. Not on a regular basis but still, from time to time. Especially at the end of a case.

"You aren't opening it?"

Motioning at the parcel, Angela rose an eyebrow. She looked more eager than Maura to know what was in it. Yet the medical examiner nodded and very carefully discarded the brown paper.

She found herself holding a very old edition of Jane Austen's _Love and Freindship_. Confused and with shaking hands, she opened it only to finally understand.

_Don't let go of her. Never._

_Jane_

"Angela... Was the woman blond, with short hair?"

Maura's question received an affirmative nod and she couldn't help but smile. Until then, she would have taken quite bad the fact a stranger – somehow – made it to her house like that but Jane... It was different. Not because they had shared a night, but because she had guessed all the rest. And met Jane, the other one. Her Jane.

"Her name is Jane. She seemed nice and is rather cute. Not as much as my own Jane but oh well..."

Without waiting for more, Angela left to head back to the guest house.

Long seconds passed by before the woman's words made it to Maura's head. It is only when she put the book on the table and grabbed her mug to sip on her tea that realization hit her. What had Angela said, exactly? _Nice and cute? Was she suggesting... _It was ridiculous. Nobody assumed such a thing about her. For everyone, she was straight. The girl next door who dated men. _I am seeing things where there is not the single thing to see. Stop it now, Maura. You are losing it. And pretty badly._

Or else Angela had let understand that she knew about her attraction for women; yet advancing the idea that her own daughter was better than anyone else around.


	16. Tess

**Chapter sixteen: Tess**

_Her name was Tess. She had bright pink hair and green eyes; a tattoo on her wrist and a couple of large earrings. She looked extravagant and so sure of herself. So full of confidence. It took me a lot of courage to go towards her. Or just a lot of despair, I don't know. Either way, Tess was very different from my previous encounters. _

_Sometimes a change comes up at the right time._

_We went to the apartment that she was sharing with two other women. One of them was a painter, the other one a teacher. Curiously enough, Tess didn't tell me about her occupation. I didn't ask. The less details I get, the more chances I have to keep this necessary distance with a person I will never see again in my whole life._

_We sat on the floor – in her bedroom. A bottle of wine by our side. It reminded me of college or at least the idea I have of it because these evenings never happened to me. I never had friends to study with, a few acquaintances and some dates but nobody ever wanted to be close to me. _

_Jane is the first one and will probably be the only one I will live that with. _

_We talked a lot about movies and while the vapors of alcohol were slowly going to our head in a very bewitching motion, we let the hours go away through the night. Somehow we ended up kissing. I had drunk too much; or just enough to forget all the rest then abandon myself to her caresses as it had never happened before. _

_Alcohol makes one lose any kind of inhibition. Perhaps at times, this is the best thing that can happen to us. _

_Tess laid me down on the floor and began to trace a path of kisses on my neck. I closed my eyes but the first image that came up turned out to be Jane. Something hurt inside. And while I fought back some tears, I imagined it was her who was touching me._

_I still feel sorry for the other girl; for Tess. This is a huge betrayal yet I couldn't help it. All along, the only person I was thinking about was Jane. It was her lips I was capturing; her thighs I was caressing. Her skin I was tasting. _

_Behind alcohol, I mixed everything. _

_The result turned out to be a bit paradoxical. Enticing yet so bittersweet._

_I was thirty-six years old. I have no idea how old Tess could be. It happened a few weeks before the case of Meredith Banks landed in my office._

…

One of Maura's guilty pleasures was the movie night Jane and her had added to their calendar every last Thursday of each month. Most of the times, they landed at the detective's apartment and spent the rest of the evening next to each other on the couch watching the movies one of them had chosen.

They laughed – scoffed – restrained a few tears. Together. Anything could have happened outside that it wouldn't have mattered. It was all about them; and no one else.

"_Well, it seems to me that the best relationships – the ones that last – are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... Suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with."_

Before such a line, Maura felt a wave of heat rush up to her cheeks. Swallowing hard, she grabbed the bottle of beer she had been drinking and hid her embarrassment behind it. Perhaps watching an episode of The X-Files after their last movie ended wasn't such a good idea in the end. Why had fiction to be so close to reality? Wasn't its purpose to make people dream and forget about their daily life? The irony of such situation made her frown.

As the episode finally came to an end, Jane broke the silence that had slowly invaded the living-room. Her voice resounded low – uncertain – in the middle of the night.

"Has that ever happened to you?"

The question made Maura freeze. Staring intently at the television screen, she swallowed hard and tried to find a way to answer. She was a terrible liar so her only option left was to play with words.

There was always a way to escape from a delicate situation.

"The exact sentiment behind such an idea yet has to be defined."

Her answer was quite pitiful. She made a face and was about to take another sip of her beer when she realized that her bottle was empty. Long seconds passed by during which a heavy silence seemed to wrap both of them in a cold way. Oppressively.

"Kiss me..."

An icy shiver ran down her spine as Jane replied. Trying to calm down, Maura turned around; looked at her friend. _This is why I should have remained quiet. I didn't want this to happen. _If the days that had followed their talk seemed to have pushed away such an idea, everything had just fallen down without any warning.

Of all women she had known, Jane had to be the one who obviously wanted to satisfy her curiosity. It would ruin everything. She was the only one who counted to her eyes. She couldn't do that.

Frowning, Maura slowly shook her head. Her throat hurt for swallowing back a wave of tears. She took a deep breath and sighed.

"I don't think this is a good idea."

Her eyes suddenly landed on her hand as Jane began to caress it softly. It was cruel. The mere touch of her friend's fingertips on her skin made her heart beat faster. Had Jane guessed about all this and was now playing with her in order to obtain what she wanted?

"Please..."

The brunette let her hand slide on Maura's thigh before resting on her waist; her index playing with the skin through the fabric of the shirt. The blonde shook her head, one more time. _It's going to ruin it all. Don't do that, Maura. _As Jane approached her and she felt her hot breath on her, Maura closed her eyes in the hope that everything would stop. Perhaps it was just a cruel dream and she would end up waking up.

Yet her friend's lips on her jawline sounded too real. Burning.

"Come on..."

She shouldn't have opened her eyes. Because as she did so, she found herself a few inches away from Jane's face. A pleading gaze. Unless it was a seductive one?

It wasn't supposed to turn that way. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. But as Maura felt her friend's other hand go up her arm, she lost the battle with her mind and abdicated to the request.

She had fantasized about such a scene so many times that as her lips brushed her friend's ones, Maura turned out to be hesitant as if she were afraid to wake up and realize it wasn't true. The kiss was chaste; almost invisible. Yet terribly pressing.

But it didn't last.

As soon as the blonde understood that they had crossed the lines and it was too late to ever come backwards, she let go of everything and passing a hand on Jane's nape, deepened the kiss.

Their friendship had just died.


	17. Eva

**Chapter seventeen: Eva**

_Her name was Eva. She had long brown hair that she wore in a loose bun and hazel eyes. I spotted her in the middle of the dance floor. The way her hips were moving to the music was inviting. Sexy. I knew that it would be her almost immediately. _

_Sometimes, it barely takes me five minutes. Other times, I spend hours looking for the right one. But in the end, I never leave alone. _

_We danced for a while; giving into bold foreplay under the multicolored spotlights. She knew what she wanted, just like me. There was no need to speak. A simple gaze turned out to be enough and very soon I was driving to her place. _

_She had two cats. They were sleeping on a piano. She undressed me there, in the middle of the living-room. I let her do. She didn't offer me any drink, nothing. Nothing at all. She wanted to be in control when I didn't mind much, for once. The night turned out to be quite intense, as if frustration melted in our kisses – our caresses – to finally reach an unbearable climax of feelings. _

_It wasn't raw but bare; purely carnal. _

_I am not sure that it was what I was looking for in the first place but as soon as Eva's deep kisses got me to her bedroom, I abdicated and played along. _

_People often say that we shouldn't separate sex from feelings. I don't see why. Sex is a pure mechanism, a complex yet rather primary mechanism. There is no need to be in love to have an orgasm. Feelings only make it sweeter; more powerful, perhaps. But if the finality is to reach climax, then anybody can get you to it._

_I came back home quite late – had a shower – then went to bed. Yet I didn't manage to fall asleep, for whatever reason. This time around, I hadn't thought about Jane. Thank God. But something was still floating above my head, spreading a sentiment of guilt on my mind. _

_For long hours, I remained still – observing the ceiling of my bedroom. Nothing came to me. Not even a single thought, the mere feeling._

_I was thirty-six years old. Eva was around my age. The very next day, I was facing the dead body of Meredith Banks._

…_  
_

"I ran away. I slept with her and then I ran away."

The panic that had wrapped her up in the first hours of the morning hadn't left her since then. On the contrary, it seemed to spread – more and more – on her mind. She was shaking uncontrollably – her heart was beating loud – while her mouth was dry and she could barely speak.

Everything had crashed, tipped over. Within a second. And now that the minutes were passing by, she had no idea what to do with her life.

Sat on the edge of her desk, Margaret frowned then shook her head. She was confused and didn't seem to understand what Maura was talking about.

The honey blonde passed a hand through her hair then sighed for the hundredth time.

"I slept with Jane. Then as she felt asleep, I ran away."

Margaret rolled her eyes before a warm smile embracing her lips; softening her features. She let a small laugh escape then shrugged.

"Why do you always have to be so melodramatic?"

Of course, they hadn't stopped after the first kiss. Soon enough, their caresses had become bolder and before she knew it, Maura had found herself on Jane's bed; undressing her through a path of kisses. It had been soft – sweet and gentle – with the hesitation that only novices could have; this sort of delicate innocence that made it all better. A slight awkwardness that happened to be irresistible.

Jane's skin had been soft under her lips. Perfect. Just as she had imagined it. She had gone slowly – a bit anxious as well. Not only because it was the first time she slept with someone who had never been intimate with a woman but because it was her; the one she loved more than anything in the world.

Feelings made everything different; brought the mere gesture to the next level. And then she knew that she would never forget it. No mattered what happened next.

That night with Jane was the best she had ever lived.

"What was I supposed to do? She's straight and was only curious. I came in handy... So I gave her what she wanted then I just did as usual: I left when she was sleeping."

Margaret looked amused which made Maura angry. Could she just not understand the seriousness of the situation or she simply didn't mind much that she had lost her best friend?

From her past relationships, the professor was the only one Maura was still seeing. If only from time to time. She was the only one who knew; who could understand. Not that the honey blonde told her much but at least she could talk to her about her dates without fearing the slightest thing in return.

Coming to her after the fiasco of her night had turned out to be logical to say the least. Except now that Margaret seemed to take it lightly, Maura was starting to regret it.

"Did she enjoy it? At least I know she chose the right one to give it a try..."

Maura frowned, confused. Who cared if Jane had liked it? The point was that she had run away like the coward she had always been. Ashamed to have given in so easily to a mere whim.

"Well, I guess so. But it's not the question, Maggie! What am I supposed to do, now? There's no way I will ever be able to face her again. She's my best friend. What kind of friends sleep together?"

Margaret looked for a few seconds by the window of her office. Life on campus was going on, as usual. Students were coming and going; books in hands. It was a sunny, cold winter day.

"Finally giving in something they had got in mind for a while?"

Maura rolled her eyes and sighed in frustration. She hadn't come to her friend for that. She wanted to hear something constructive; and strong. Logical. Rational facts, in a word. Then she would feel fine again and life could go on. But right now, everything was upside down.

"Maggie, would you stop? I'm being serious, here. You know what Jane means to me. We both know I should have never abdicated under her stupid request; no matters she turned out to be rather convincing actually... I'm in a dead-end path, now."

Margaret grabbed her mug and took a sip of her tea. She knew Maura very well, probably because they had shared a lot; a long time ago. They weren't friends as the honey blonde was with Jane but they had this singular connection that only ex-lovers have.

"She won't hold it against you. If she's the one who invited you to her bedroom then she will assume it all. Consequences included. By the way, shouldn't you be at your office right now?"

Maura swept away the question with a vague gesture of the hand.

"I called in sick. Which isn't far from the truth."

The professor seemed surprised by such confession. It wasn't in Maura's habits to find an excuse to not go to work. But before she had time to add something, the honey blonde stood up and grabbed her bag.

"Wait, where are you going to?"

Maura shrugged. She had absolutely no idea. Nothing made sense anymore, anyway. Nothing at all.

"I... I don't know. I need a few days off. Far from here. I..."

Margaret shook her head then frowned. For the very first time, she seemed concerned about the whole situation.

"Don't do that. Don't go away from her now or else you can draw a line under everything."

A bitter laugh escaped from Maura's lips, coming to die in a heavy murmur.

"I already did..."

The medical examiner turned around and let her stilettos guide her to the door. As her hand reached the knob, Margaret called her name. She didn't bother to turn around but simply looked down at her feet.

"Maura, before you going away to whatever place and not listening to my advices – as wise as they are – please at least think about it. Jane is going through something delicate right now. She needs you by her side. There is nothing innocent in what happened last night. She will die to hear that it's all fine. And you're the only one able to bring her that."


	18. Jane

_**Author's note: thank you for the constructive reviews; as for the ones a bit "offended", the last review sums it up rather well, I guess. And don't be worried. If I put this story in the "romance" category, then there is a reason to.**_

_**Nb. Please, before posting a review read the story and pay attention to details and names; as other reviewers understood, the first part in each chapter is a flashback; as for the blond Jane, if you have followed the story, you can get easily that it's the woman who works for the publishing house.**_

_**...**_

**Chapter eighteen: Jane**

_Her name was Jane. She had short blond hair and green eyes. If I had got to know her name before, I would have never dared to go to her. How odd, when I think about it: the last two women I slept with share the same name. _

_Delicate mystery of coincidences._

_For the first time, I took a woman back to my place. There was something strange about it; some sort of renouncing. All these rules I had imposed to myself through the years – these implicit limits I wasn't supposed to cross – I let go of everything without thinking about it twice. I had reached this point when nothing mattered anymore. _

_And then there was Meredith Banks._

_I love my job but it is tough, oppressive. You accumulate a lot every day for seeing hard things – facing a lot of rough situations. The only way to handle it is to have a life outside of it. Or else within a few years, it is your own health you put at risk. You need evasion, something light to escape from all of this. _

_Perhaps these one-night stands are also a way for me to run away from all of this. _

_Being a medical examiner requires very solid nerves. It is not like on television; all these shows and movies we can watch. Reality is a lot darker; gloomy. _

_It was strange to see this girl, Jane, go around my stuff. My paintings, my books... My pictures. And all of a sudden – without any warning – I had opened myself to her. She got to know a lot more about my feelings than most of the other women I had met for the past decade had. _

_The night turned out to be sweet, gentle enough. One more time I felt wanted and desired if only for a couple of hours. But the morning after hurt deeply and for the very first time I realized what I had been doing to all the other ones by leaving like that in the middle of the night. It is one terrible thing to do; a harsh way to wake up when you realize that your partner has gone. _

_But you aren't supposed to stay either. This isn't a relationship. It is a brief encounter. The scheme has to be different, that you like it or not. One-night stands have their advantages but also its bad points._

_I was thirty-six years old. I would say that Jane was a bit older. All I know is that I was desperately trying to run away from everything._

…

The grave was neat, clean. Too clean, actually. If time stops by in cemeteries, the stones are the only proof of the centuries passing by; the weather washing them in this singular way that makes them turn ageless. A new grave weighs heavy; too heavy. It doesn't seem right.

Very slowly, Maura knelt down and placed the rose by a few stones left there previously. The wind was strong, making her hair float around her face in a crazy way. But she couldn't care less. Her looks didn't really matter right now.

A seagull flew above her head. By automatism, her eyes followed the bird until it disappeared behind the cliff on the other end of the cemetery. It was a beautiful place; peaceful. Overlooking the ocean which vitality and noise contrasted so much with the quietness of the alleys.

The wind made it somehow under her scarf. It slid along her spine icily. She crossed her arms against her chest then focused on the epitaph of the grave.

After leaving Margaret, she hadn't thought too much. For once, she had let her instinct guide her and soon enough, she had been driving to this place. She had kept in mind the name of the little town, for whatever reason, when at the end of the case she had been told where the funeral would be held.

Suddenly, she heard some steps on her left. A young woman was coming; probably the same age as Meredith Banks. Politely, Maura smiled at her as the visitor stopped by her side.

For a long minute, both of them remained silent. It was an odd situation, sharing such an intimate time with a complete stranger.

"Did you know her?"

The young woman finally broke the silence and turned towards the medical examiner. She had intense gray eyes; penetrating. She looked hurt. Frowning, Maura vaguely nodded.

"To an extent..."

The young woman nodded then pushed behind her ear a strand of hair. She was pale and seemed to be rather exhausted. Lost.

"A bit like me, then. I mean, I knew Meredith but I guess she had never noticed me in the end..."

The situation could have seemed incongruous but soon enough, Maura understood. Her interlocutor had probably never talked to anyone about Meredith. Or not really. _It is easier at times to confide in a complete stranger. For whatever reason. _

"Were you going to class together?"

The woman nodded as a soft smile lit up her features. The way she was crossing her arms – so tightly against her chest – highlighted the fact that she was uncomfortable. _Or just in need to let it go out..._

"There is a small cafe at the end of the road. Would you like to share a coffee out there?"

Maura's offer got welcomed by an enthusiastic nod. Without saying a word, both women headed out of the cemetery and walked the short distance that separated them from the local cafe. They sat at a small table by the large windows; overlooking the ocean.

The mug of tea warmed up the honey blonde's hands and all of a sudden, a whole wave of heat invaded her cold body. Shyly, she looked up at her interlocutor. She had no idea what to say, nor what to do. It was all rather unexpected.

"My name is Grace. I study medicine in Boston. Meredith and I never talked but I had noticed her right away... I liked her. A lot, you know..."

Maura took a sip of her tea then frowned, a bit confused.

"Why have you never talked to each other?"

Grace bit her lower lip and blushed. She spoke softly; calmly. But looked desperately timid. She ended up shrugging, uncertain.

"Perhaps because I had assumed that I had all the time in the world to do so... I was wrong."

Her bitterness melted into a painful smile and all of a sudden, Maura saw all the despair hidden behind her eyes.

"We always thing we have time but the truth is, we only have one life. And we never know how long it will last."

As much as she had spoken low, Grace's words resounded loud in Maura's head. Deep in her heart. Grace was right.

_We only have one life._


	19. One Name

**Chapter nineteen: One name**

_I have slept with fifteen women and have fallen in love with two of them. As for men, I have been with five of them but never got to experience the same degree of feelings as I had with women. Bad statistics as one would say. I tried but I guess that I don't belong to the category of people who have the chance to be lucky in love._

_The best I can get is a couple of hours with someone who will make me feel alive and wanted; and who cares if this person is a complete stranger? I got my heart broken and refused to give in again. I have to say that my one-night stands have always been rather successful. Somehow. If one can say so._

_I have always found nice people, gentle enough. Educated and smart. Most of the times, I have come to wonder why they were going for ephemeral night plans. Were they disappointed, just like me? Afraid? _

_Angry, perhaps._

_The only sure thing is that – no matters what we say – we are always looking for something more than a mere carnal encounter. If only subconsciously. There is a form of despair behind such behavior. It is obvious, as much as I don't like thinking about it. Sometimes reality is tough to face, almost impossible to accept as it is._

_Some people would probably judge me for having come to the conclusion that one-night stands are the best for me. They would probably don't understand that it comes up as a shield. A safe way to escape from the pain one experiences when in love. It is easier – superficial – but at least when I go home, I don't spend hours crying out in silence; wondering why it makes me suffer so much. Why I can't be happy._

_I remember everyone's name – everyone's proper characteristics – to the very detailed description of the place where they lived. But as the years go by, there is only one name I want to keep in mind. It is Jane's._

_She is the only one, for me._

_I know that I shouldn't have accepted to spend the night with her. Her request was only driven by some curiosity. I satisfied a whim, somehow. And I have never been suffering so much since I left her place while she was sleeping. _

_I have always hated the idea of a morning after when not being in a relationship. It is always awkward, and the only thing both lovers want is the other one to leave. I am sure that if I had stayed, Jane would have hated it. We would have been uncomfortable, a bit lost before the ruins of our friendship._

_I don't know what is going to happen now. Perhaps we will just pretend that everything is alright, that nothing really happened in the end. And one morning the memory of it will have faded enough for us to start it all over again; from the very beginning. _

_At least I hope so. _

_I am thirty-six years old. Jane is the same age as me. I have never felt so scared; so lonely._

…

On the way back to Boston, Grace's words kept on resounding loud in Maura's head. The woman might have been young but what she had said was very true. We only have one life. And we don't know how long it is going to last. _You have no time to lose, Maura. You can't afford it anymore. _

For once, she would put everything aside – all these fears that had been paralyzing her for such a long time – and she would dare to speak. To say out loud her feelings. No mattered what would ensue and if Jane didn't have the same plans in head. She had to let go of everything and finally get rid of the weight on her chest.

_Because tomorrow, it might be too late._

The traffic slowed down as she entered Boston. The snow had been falling for a while over the city; the roads were damp. Dangerous. It had been a while since they had got such a cold winter but truth to be told, Maura had always preferred this season over the summer. Life came to a peaceful rest in the cold months of the beginning of the year. Covered by a veil of purity.

She had called in sick but if she wanted to see Jane, the honey blonde knew that she had to stop at the police department. _And so what? Your migraine could have gone away by now. It is the end of the day, anyway. _

_You are free to do what you feel like doing._

Against all expectations, she found a place to park just opposite the building. Calmly, she unfastened her seat belt then took a deep breath. Her heart was beating loud in her chest.

Perhaps what she was about to do was completely crazy – out of place – but she had reached that point where nothing really had importance anymore. Except the truth, as bare it was.

She stepped out of her car and turned around to face the building opposite the street. As she slammed the door of her Prius, Jane appeared up the stairs, coffee in hand. Maura smiled and began to cross the street. She had risen her hand to wave at the detective when she suddenly froze as a man arrived behind Jane, passed a hand on her waist then planted a kiss of her cheek. Who was he? The blonde swallowed hard. There must have been an explanation. She had barely left Boston for the day. Jane could not have met someone so quickly to the point of letting him kiss her in the middle of the street.

Something icy ran through Maura's veins before every single inch of her heart began to crumble; flying off into pieces. She would be left with a shattered heart and the ridiculous hope that there might have been something else – and bright – waiting for her at the end of the path.

As she was about to turn around and drive away, Jane looked up and saw her. For long seconds, none of them moved; staring intently at each other through what looked like a mix of confusion and anger. Incomprehension.

A screechy sound took Maura out of her bitter daydream; tires on a damp road. Without really knowing what was happening, the medical examiner suddenly felt light – as if she were flying - caressed by the snow in the cold air of a winter evening. Someone yelled in the background as her body hit the asphalt violently.

Then it all turned black and the world stopped turning around.

Suddenly.


	20. My Jane

**Author's note: Dane, feel free to read the review previous to yours, many things are explained in it and way better than I would sum it up myself. Now, I made very clear in the story that Maura didn't sleep with more than the people mentioned, just as I made it clear some of them were actually long relationships. I suggest you to re-read if only the first parts of the chapters where Maura explains, through her past, why she is like that now. :) As for the unsafe sex... Well, one-night stands aren't necessarily unsafe. I haven't described any sex scene properly but there's no reason why she wouldn't have used protection. For the assault possibility, we never know indeed, but in 8 rape cases out of 10, the rapist was a victim's relative. So... Why being for danger? Well, some people are irremediably attracted to it, for many reasons. In this case, you will definitely get to know it before the end.**

**...**

**Chapter twenty: My Jane**

_This is how I call her. My Jane. Of course, she doesn't know about it. Nobody does but me. It is one of my biggest secrets; the ones that I will never reveal for them being too intimate. _

_I had drawn a line under the idea of falling of love – how stupid of me, as if one could control it – when I met her. Now I think about it – retrospectively – I now that I have been lying to myself as long as I had a chance to do so. But the truth is, I fell in love with Jane the very first second I met her._

_There is nothing romantic in all of this; nothing sweet, cute. It is a painful love that can't make it to the surface for a million reasons. All way too obvious. It destroys me little by little and yet I have grown so addicted to it that I need to feel it burn inside of me to go on. In silence. Sometimes I wish I just could go and blurt it out in her face but then I realize that it is never the right time to do so._

_Jane doesn't love me the same way. I know it. I can see it. Even during that night when she wanted to be with me... There was no love through her eyes, just the hunger of curiosity. I won't hold it against her. It wouldn't be fair. It isn't her fault if she doesn't feel the same for me as I do for her. This is how life works. A matter of luck._

_If that night we spent together put a dead end to our friendship, I can't really regret it somehow. Jane allowed me to make my fantasy come true. Not as bright and sweet as I had imagined – since it wasn't mutual – but still... Her lips were mine, if only for a little while. I caressed her thighs; kissed her lower stomach. Felt her shiver against me. _

_Jane is the best and yet the worst that happened to me. She brought me a lot more than what she could ever imagine. All these things I had lacked until now – the sentiment of belonging somewhere. The fact I fell in love with her only complicated the whole situation but she isn't responsible for it._

_At times, when I am alone, I wonder how life would be if we were together. I close my eyes very tightly and concentrate on the idea. But nothing clear ever really comes up. It is all blurry. Frustrating. Then I simply realize that it is probably because it is not meant to be._

_I will probably never have any relationship whatsoever from then on except these ephemeral ones that don't hurt in the end. It is fine. I have accepted the idea, now. Love isn't made for me. It has never been. Too strong, too uncontrollable. It always made me cry at some point. I don't want to suffer. _

_So I will keep on loving Jane in silence._

_I am thirty-six years old. You have no idea how tired I am of pretending though._

…

She had never liked hospitals. From the smell to the constant noises, something made her anxious and she felt helpless – way too fragile – when she had to go to one. There, she couldn't control the slightest thing and she hated it. Her tears could flow without any warning; a deep pain penetrating her heart. She was powerless out there. At the mercy of her feelings.

And then this coldness, all around. Passing underneath her skin to steal the last inch of life that was still inhabiting her body. People's body.

Before such uneasiness, Jane swallowed hard and focused on Maura. Even her hand was icy. The last time she had felt it against her, it had been warm and inviting. Soft. Delicate.

Now it was almost lifeless.

The scan hadn't been good. She had known it as soon as the doctor in charge of Maura had passed the door of the bedroom; deep features darkening his face. _Wait and see. _How could life be so cruel at times? The seconds were passing by – too slowly – and Maura remained there, laid in a bed without moving. Breathing thanks to a thousand machines Jane had a hard time to look at.

The honey blonde seemed to just be sleeping. Peacefully. If one could ignore the bruises and the blood that had formed little red paths on her forehead; invisible traces that the nurses hadn't managed to clean properly. Jane could see them. She was staring at them intently.

Something hurt in her throat and she bent over; her head brushing Maura's as she held her hand even tighter. Closing her eyes very hard, Jane swallowed back the tears that were asking for nothing but to come out.

"Don't do that to me, Maur'... Not now... Stop running away from me..."

Her whisper had floated around in the quiet room, absorbed by the beeps of the machines. Highlighting a distress she had tried to hide since the accident had occurred. She had been there. She had seen it all; how Maura had flown in the air before landing abruptly on the asphalt a few feet further. She would never be able to forget it; no mattered what happened next.

Everything had stopped and chaos had invaded her head.

With a shaking hand, she let her fingers caress Maura's forehead before they got lost in her hair. For the first time in long hours, she finally found herself alone with the medical examiner. Alone before a very uncertain fate.

"It isn't over, Maur'... Why did you go away... There are so many things left open, so many things we need to talk about... You can't live like that... You can't leave me here, now... I need you, for Christ's sake... Don't do that to me... Please..."

Someone knocked softly on the door. Very quickly, Jane straightened up on her chair and took a deep breath, smiling as a nurse came in.

"Here's your blanket for the night. If you want to stay by your friend's side... I will also bring you some snack. You need to eat something."

Jane didn't move and focused her attention back on Maura's peaceful features. Too peaceful. Then she heard the door get close again. Her lips brushed the blonde's forehead.

"She is a lot more than just a friend."


	21. Maura

**Chapter twenty-one: Maura**

_This is me, Maura. This is my name. If you look up at it in a book, you will see what it means. Refined, idealistic, organized. Passionate. These are the main adjectives that are supposed to define my temper according to my name. Do I believe into such correlation between a name and someone's character? I am not sure. After all, I have a very Cartesian mind and these sciences aren't precise enough for me yet I know this meaning by heart. More by despair that anything else, perhaps._

_I have always looked for people's presence around me. In vain. It seems like that, every time, they end up running away; troubled, uncomfortable. They don't like having me around. I am too strange. There must be something – what I say, the way I behave – that finally draws them away from me. _

_I am not good at meeting people and making friends. I lack this ounce of normality that communication requires between human beings. _

_Sometimes, I wonder if Jane isn't like me except that she wouldn't know it. Or else, why getting close as we did? Appearances would tend to show that we are the exact opposite of each other but perhaps and deep inside, we aren't that different. _

_I know that I am in love with her – that it isn't a mere attraction to someone who would have, for once, paid attention to me – because of the way my heart speeds up when she is around; when our hands do brush each other accidentally. All these nights I spent wondering how it would feel like to capture her lips in a kiss. There is something impossible in all of this but I don't mind. Maura is independent and secretive. Two more adjectives to add to the list._

_If you ask people about me, they will either tell you that I am odd or that they didn't even know that I existed. I pass unnoticed rather easily and I hate it. This is probably why I have gone – most of the time – for women who were the exact opposite; if only to see how it could be. _

_Each of them brought me something – an important element that helped me to build my own identity; a whole series of elements that, assembled together, form the adult I have become. From joys to painful disappointments, I owe them my singular temper. Should I thank them for it? I don't know. Maybe. A bit of both, I suppose. Everything isn't perfect but who said that life had to be?_

_I have never believed in the idea of prince charming. Marriage is definitely not made for me and if for a while I held hopes over a powerful relationship, I gave up when I realized that I just couldn't get it. How can a strange person ever find someone else, a significant other? It is all about wishful thinking and nothing else. _

_You don't need to be in love to have sex with someone. It isn't written in any book that this is a special requirement that allows you to feel alive in a third party's arms. It surely is different when it happens but what about the rest of the time? What about people like me who are unlucky in love? Sex is a form of release; a necessary escape from a stressing daily existence. It is a pure hormonal trick. And nothing else. _

_Maura is supposed to be romantic but she understood very early that it was better to avoid being to._

_I am thirty-six years old. Already. Time flies by but truth to be told, I am very unsure about the way it all turned out for me._

…

"You should talk to her. She can hear you and probably even needs you. Don't hesitate. Go. Just tell her what you did today or anything... Anything can help her. She will recognize your voice. She has to know that people want her to be around, that they haven't abandoned her. Take her hand and stay by her side. Let her know that you are here and want her back."

Jane nodded shyly at the doctor and waited for him to leave the room before focusing back on Maura. She hadn't stopped doing all of this; talking – touching – pleading the honey blonde to finally open her eyes but nothing had worked so far. The last scan hadn't revealed anything special.

Eventually the bruise on her brain seemed to decrease but it all went very slowly. Too slowly for Jane.

_And then what? Even if she wakes up, who knows what kind of Maura I am going to face. Perhaps she will have forgotten to my name; to my existence. Or worse. _

The dark-haired woman was deeply scared of what could happen next. Both eventualities plunged her in a state of near panic. Not only had it occurred to the person who probably counted the most to her eyes but also at the worst time one could have chosen.

Growing out of frustration, Jane stopped pacing the room and sat back on the armchair by the bed; her gaze fixed on Maura. _I'm sorry if I did something bad; if I disappointed you. If I forced you. Is this the reason why you left in the middle of the night?_

She was obsessed by what happened or better said, by the direction things had taken since she had slept with Maura. It all had gone upside down; a complete mess. Perhaps it was a sign that they should have never done that.

Anger had been replaced by confusion, itself suddenly – abruptly – melting into distress. Their whole life had been put on pause at the worst moment ever. So many things remained to be said, explained. _And lived; experienced._

"You have no idea how I hate you for doing that to me, Maura. You'd better not leave me, now. Never. It... There are so many things I need to tell you."

She moved her hand – a very subtle movement – but something stopped her as she did so. Some sort of painful sensation on her wrist. Little by little, she noticed a thousand things. A thousand sensations all around. Noises; a smell that was unfamiliar. Something down her throat. A warm touch embraced her face and within a few seconds, she assimilated it to a light. The sun, probably. It hurt. Her whole body hurt. Her moan got swallowed by something.

"Maura? Maura, can you hear me?"

She had no idea what was happening; even less where she was. Her eyes were too heavy to ever open them and something hurt deep inside, through her bones. She should have been panicking. Everything was reunited for such a reaction from her part. But as soon as she heard the voice – that hoarse, singular tone she had learned to love more than anything through the years – Maura suddenly relaxed.


	22. The Next One

**Chapter twenty-two: The Next One**

_I don't know what her name will be. The next one; that girl I will stop my eyes on before taking her to her place for a night during which I will forget all the rest. Because I am not stupid. I know that this is going to happen. Just because I slept with Jane doesn't mean that the rest belongs now to the past. _

_If only it did._

_There are so many names around – so many women – yet only one finds interest to my eyes. Too bad; she will remain unreachable, no matters what. _

_Perhaps one day, I will grow tired of this and I will stop. I will go back home for the very last time then draw a line under the idea of looking for someone. It has been ten years now since I began such quest. The darkness of it all is weighing more and more, just like this latent pain that sets off every time I have no choice but to face the fact none of them are Jane._

_There are many other things I can focus on: my job – which I love – my home. My only real friend. It might not be all broken with Jane. I still hold hopes over the fact that we will overcome what happened and go on. I need her by my side. Even if it isn't the way my heart would like._

_So I let this list open, to the uncertainty of the future just like to the evidence of the past. I don't regret any of them. I made choices. I took my own decisions. Then I learned from each of them before going on; a bit strengthened, at times a bit weakened. But I am not ashamed of what I have done. I assume it all and will always do. I don't mind much what the others can think about me. This is my life. It isn't as perfect as I would like it to be but I am still doing my best to find in it an ounce of balance. _

_I am a bit chaotic but as long as I stand on my feet then I know that I will do just fine. Life is too short to have regrets, to focus on nothing but our mistakes._

_I am thirty-six years old. This isn't a page of my life that I am about to turn. No. I simply go on and we will see what happens next. We will._

…

The door of the bedroom got closed and as Maura locked her eyes with Jane's, a wave of anxiousness spread over her body. It had been three weeks, now. Three weeks since she had finally awoken. Little by little, she had regained strength. Then one day, her bruises had disappeared and she had been okay enough to go back home.

If she had no memory whatsoever about the accident, all the rest remained very clear in her head: from the night with Jane to the way she had left and wandered around for a whole day of confusion before the moment in that street to happen. Then everything had tipped over.

They hadn't talked about it, carefully avoided the subject. Anyway, they hadn't really had time to find themselves alone – together – to give it a try. Shyly, Maura smiled at Jane. Were they eager to ever allude to it, anyway?

Perhaps it was better to pretend and go on. As if nothing had happened.

Carefully, the detective sat on the edge of her friend's bed. She looked worried. As a matter of fact, she had looked worried all the time since Maura had woken up. Worried and uncomfortable. _You ruined it all, Maura. Look what you did. She can barely look at you, now. _

"Are you okay? If you need anything, just let me know."

Sat up on her bed – leaned on a thousand pillows – the honey blonde nodded quietly. Her hands were moist; her heart was beating loud. It was now or never. She was back home, with nobody – no doctor, no nurse – rushing in without any warning. And it weighed too much to not let go of it.

As a veil of timidity wrapped her up and a wave of heat rushed up to her cheeks, she looked down at her hands then focused on her pale skin.

"Who is he?"

It had been more of an inaudible whisper than a real conversation start. She couldn't even look at Jane in the eyes.

"Excuse me?"

Obviously, her mumble had failed to be understood. Clearing her voice and sitting further against the large pillows, she stared at the ceiling and asked again.

"Who is he?"

Perplexed, Jane shook her head before sitting closer to her friend. She must have missed something, a detail in the last events. Or else Maura didn't make much sense anymore.

"Whom are you talking about? I'm sorry, I don't understand."

Uncomfortable and nervous, Maura moved around then shrugged. It was too late to come backwards, now. And lying was out of the question. So she took a deep breath and counted until five.

"The day of my accident. When you left the building, you were not alone. A man was following you. I saw him lean over and kiss you on the cheek. Who is he?"

Now she sounded invasive and utterly jealous. _God, you are being ridiculous. Why should she justify herself to you? You're just a friend. It's none of your business._

"A man...? Oh, Vince? He's my cousin. He was stopping by to say hello. He is from Brooklyn and was only here for a few hours. For a business meeting."

Long seconds passed by during which Maura felt like nothing but disappear. Had she been _that _stupid? Or _that _jealous? She never jumped to conclusions. Usually – and on the contrary – she used to take all her time to analyze with calm any kind of situation. Then, eventually, she put all the pieces together to form a semblance of possibility. Had she really succumbed, this time, to her primary feelings?

"Oh."

She felt immensely stupid. The silence that followed Jane's casual answer didn't help much at all. She was making a fool of herself and hated it.

"Maura, why did you go away? Why did you leave?"

She had never heard Jane being so unsure of anything and against all expectations, this is what hit her first; not the fact her friend had dared to make the first step and allude to their night.

"Did I do something wrong? I mean... Was I that bad that you felt the urge to leave? I know – I guess – that you're used to meeting more... Experienced... Women... But... Is this the reason why you didn't stay in the end? Did I disappoint you or make you feel ashamed?"

Suddenly, Maura turned around and looked at Jane. She had never assumed that her friend could have come to such conclusion. Truth to be told, if she had a retrospective look on all of this, she had been a tad selfish; only focused on her own feelings and confused state of mind.

At no moment had she come to the conclusion that Jane might have experimented it differently.

"I assumed that this was what you wanted me to do."

The uncertainty on Jane's features melted into a deep confusion. Had they really misunderstood each other that much? Frowning, Maura bit her lower lip.

"What do you want from me? What do you want from all of this?"

This was it. It had slid on her lips before hitting the air in a whispering whirl of fear and distress. Maura had never felt so scared. So vulnerable. Jane wasn't really doing any better. As a matter of fact, she was livid.

"I don't know."

Maura looked down, completely defeated. _What were you expecting, idiot? _She had never imagined a sentence could hurt so much; so easily. Without saying a word – she wouldn't have been able to do so – she nodded.

But Jane kept on talking.

"I'm lost, Maur'... I don't understand anything anymore. Perhaps you don't get it because it's all clear for you, and it's been for a long time. But me... I'm thirty-six years old and all of a sudden, what seemed to be defined flies off into pieces and... I don't know who I am anymore. Nor what I want. Even less what I'm supposed to do."

As much as it hurt, Maura understood. She had known way too well this confusion to ignore it now. All of a sudden, she thought about Margaret; how she had told her that Jane needed her. She had been right, so right.

"I wish I could tell you something different, Maur'... I really wish I could. The only thing I'm sure of is that as much as it's extremely confusing right now... I don't want to come backwards. I don't want that."

Jane's hand was cold on hers but as their skin met, the honey blonde looked back at her friend. She knew how hard it was for the detective to ever express her feelings; how confusion was probably making it all even more complicated right now.

She would have loved being able to say something but the words stayed trapped somewhere between her heart and her lips.

"I can't promise you anything, Maura. I'm sorry. I've no idea what tomorrow is made of, not even today actually... I'm so lost and confused and... Damn, I thought I was going to lose you... Maybe we can give it a try and see... You know, see where it leads... Time will say. Let's see how it goes, you and me... What do you think?"


	23. Jane and Maura

**Author's note: thank you very much for your reviews to what is my first attempt to a R&I fanfiction. I hope you liked it... Another one should come soon. Different. Thank you all!**

**...**

**Chapter twenty-three: Jane and Maura**

_I was wrong since the very beginning with all these names. Every single time, I only put one of them. Except they are all part of an entity and can't evolve on their own; independently. _

_Every name is linked to another one. They work – respond – according to the way the other reacts. It is all about communication, social exchanges. I guess I hadn't really understood the scheme, the process of all of this. But I am glad that I finally did._

_So this isn't about Margaret, Constance or Sabine. It is about one of them, and me. _

_Except now, the list has been stopped. I have no other one to add. Or at least not for the moment and to be honest, I hope that it will remain like that. _

_This is my last entrance: Jane and Maura. _

_It sounds right to my ear when I pronounce it out loud. Right and perfect. Just as it should be. As I had never imagined that it would be. _

_I don't want to say that I am the luckiest person around and that life is pure bliss; not only because it would sound extremely cheesy but also because this isn't true. Reality can be harsh – tough – and as much as Jane didn't push me away, nothing has been won. I don't know what tomorrow is made of. We don't know. But we surely compose with everything and most of all, enjoy our life. Together._

_I haven't drawn a line under the previous names and will never do that. Somehow, they brought me to what I am experiencing now; in all its complexity and strength. Ignoring them wouldn't be fair. Once you have been linked to another name, something remains; if only in depth. _

_I owe them all Jane. My Jane. Maura and Jane. Who knows what would have happened if – at some point – I had taken another decision? Another direction._

_I am thirty-seven years old, so is Jane. We don't know much about anything so we take it slowly. _

_Peacefully._

…

**Six months later**

All the doors had been left opened and from the bathroom, she could hear the laughter coming from the street; the coming and going of a skateboard on the asphalt as well. She turned around and stared at her reflection in the mirror. The sun was caressing her forearm; a warm embrace, comforting. After a close study of her features, she let a bright smile slide on her lips.

She looked fine. Happy. Serene.

Slowly, she left the bathroom and headed to the kitchen. She grabbed two bottles of beer nonchalantly and stepped out on the front door. Jane was sat there – on the steps that led to the house – watching and chatting with the kids of the neighborhood as she used to in the evening.

Without saying a word, Maura tended her a bottle of beer and settled down; sitting behind the detective. Wrapping her with her arms and her legs. She took a sip of her own beer then leaned her chin against Jane's shoulder.

"James is going to fall down. The inclination of the wheels aren't..."

Before she had a chance to finish her explanation, the young boy lost his balance and fell down rather smoothly. Maura couldn't repress a smile before the veracity of her analysis. Jane rolled her eyes.

"Is the whole world – every single thing we do – an excuse for a scientific explanation to you?"

The honey blonde put her bottle down by her side and began to play with Jane's hand; pouting. She loved these moments. Their moments. When nothing really mattered and a sudden lightness took them in its whirl of delicate happiness.

"You don't like it?"

Jane tried to restrain a smile but as usual, it didn't work and soon enough it lightened up her features. Shrugging almost shyly, she bit her lower lip and focused on an invisible point opposite the street.

"I love it."

It had been six months, now. Six months since the accident and most of all the talk they had shared in Maura's bedroom the day she had been released from the hospital.

Six experimental months during which they had learned about each other, about being together and just enjoying the moment. The day Jane had admitted – if only through half-words – that she wanted to give them a chance, Maura hadn't said anything. She wouldn't have been able to. It hadn't sounded realistic. Since when fantasies came true? Unsure – shaking – she had simply leaned over for a kiss.

The days had then passed by. Perhaps rather naturally if Maura had to qualify their relationship. In the end, it all seemed to belong to the most random logic. Little by little, Jane was coming to peace with herself and these new feelings while she had herself let go of many things.

Jane was bringing her the balance she had always needed and thanks to her presence by her side, she had relaxed; regained faith in a few things. Sure she still tried to control as many situations as possible but when it came to her feelings, Maura had accepted the fact that she had no hold over them.

The best she could do was to face them instead of running away, pretending there was nothing.

Before Jane's admission, Maura smiled and planted a soft kiss on her shoulder before resting her hand on the detective's thigh. It was a nice summer evening. The temperatures had cooled down a bit and a gentle breeze had invited the neighborhood to settle in the quiet streets.

People were having a walk, children were playing.

"I wish time could freeze..."

Jane took a sip of her beer and caressed Jo Friday who was sleeping at her feet.

"Why? Is the symmetry perfect between the alignment of the buildings and the sun on the brick walls?"

Not unaware of the sarcasm, Maura gently snapped Jane's arm before grabbing back her beer.

"Because it looks like a movie. It looks like a movie scene. The very last one. When the image is about to fade away... The perfect ending."

The End


End file.
